<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>in the gold of afternoon by healsvt</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666988">in the gold of afternoon</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/healsvt/pseuds/healsvt'>healsvt</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, Studio Ghibli References, and renjun jisung and chenle are wizards, markhyuck are boyfriends, no one from nct dies don't panic, this is about healing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:21:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,575</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/healsvt/pseuds/healsvt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>but when he arrives, almost stumbling over the thick roots of an ancient tree, the majestic deer is nowhere to be seen. instead, a boy whose skin resembles almond blossoms lays almost unconscious on the ground —golden strings of hair falling over his eyes, framing the sharp angles of his face, too beautiful and breathtaking, the sun gasps as loud as jaemin when its light meets his face.</p><p>(or: in which jaemin is under a curse, jeno is the prince of the forest and maybe, just maybe, they've met before)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>205</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>NOMIN FIC FEST</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i think i've touched you before</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this story comes with a playlist you can listen to  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Fb8CfDnZMZcTkFYGnCdga?si=jvN7gxyISjyXCzgPYVVxaA">here</a> and a <a href="https://padlet.com/healsvtt/f91zicrf0g2fnt2t">moodboard </a>so you can imagine the mood of the story. there're a few references to my favorite ghibli movies, so if you're a fan, i hope you enjoy those little details! (ꈍᴗꈍ)<br/>i want to say thank you to the person who sent this prompt, i fell in love with it the moment i read it so if you're reading this, i hope you enjoy it as much as i did when i started to imagine this story.<br/>thank you lili for always being the best friend and beta reader of the whole world, truly ♡ and thank you alba for being always so supportive and for being as excited as me about this story. also, thank you for spending hours and hours trying to convince me that i can do this. you're the best!</p><p>enjoy ( ˘ ³˘)</p><p>PROMPT: 74. jaemin is out hunting with his prized bow and arrow and ends up hitting a large, majestic deer with sharp, almost golden antlers. when the creature runs away into the woods he follows its trail of broken branches and blood, expecting to kill it when it can no longer run. however, he does not find the deer. instead he finds a young man with an arrow in his thigh, not realizing he has injured the prince of the forest (jeno).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the first time jaemin saw jeno, he thought it was actually the first time he was seeing him.</p><p>jeno was glowing, almost resembling a sunset after a storm. he appeared goldish and uncanny —inked eyes of nothing but emptiness and a whole universe at the same time, with sharp antlers which extended towards the sun as if they belonged to the sky.</p><p>jaemin met him with a million witnesses timidly observing through the broad-leaved trees, wind almost sighing at their encounter. he found him without the knowledge that it was him, that it was going to be <em>him</em>, him and no other, the one who would touch him with feather-like fingers to kindly kiss the darkest places of his heart, covering it with the hazy colors of summer.</p><p>but it was impossible for jaemin to ever foresee that fate, so he shot him. and then, there was blood all over them, wet hands tinted with the colors of the sunset.</p><p>(and maybe their first encounter was quite different from that, but let’s pretend, for now, that this is how jaemin met jeno.)</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>see, tales hide always some kind of truth. jaemin still remembers quite vividly every conversation about the majestic deer, about its existence and all the things its magic could perform.</p><p>“i’m never been in the forest, they say that deer is even more powerful than some wizards…”</p><p>in the village, people used to talk too much. they would tell stories of all kinds, stories about powerful witches, about terrifying wizards, about things no one could see, and about majestic creatures living in the forest. and jaemin would catch himself wondering if they were true, eyes glowing with interest whenever someone talked.</p><p>he asked his grandmother about one tale in particular once, while they were peeling broad beans with the broken sound of an old radio in the background. he did it because he trusted her more than anyone. he knew, for sure, she would never lie to him, and that if she believed that tale, there was a reason to.</p><p>he was sitting near the open kitchen door that met the large backyard of her house, eyes skimming the leafy forest at far. the smell of delicious food being cooked came from the pot when she turned around at his question, filling up jaemin’s nose with all the flavored aromas floating around.</p><p>he expected her to be angry at him for believing such things, but his grandmother only clicked her tongue before saying, “people make up stories so they’re more interesting.” the mild sound of cutting onions invaded his ears after that in a silence that only his grandma’s voice could break again. she stopped, cleaned her wrinkled and coarse hands from years of working in the fields onto the apron she was wearing, and then she turned around to look at him. “but the truth is that they’ve never seen it, so they cannot know such things.”</p><p>“and you’ve seen it?”</p><p>“me?” she opened her mouth wide before a shrilling laughter escaped from her mouth, showing all her teeth. her eyes hide under the wrinkles of her face. “never! that deer is so elusive, you could never find it. me…” she repeated, and immediately after, laughed.</p><p>“then, how do people know that deer exists?” he asked, eyes shining with wonder.</p><p>“because even though tales are tales, they always hide some truth.”</p><p>“so, there’s no possible way to see the deer?”</p><p>“well,” she looked away, pondered about it for a whole minute jaemin thought was eternal, and then she said, “you can, it is said that colors and aromas are the best way to find it, although no one has been able to prove it yet.”</p><p>if jaemin’s mother had been there at that moment, she would have said something like “mom, stop telling him those things, he’s going to believe them.” but she worked during summer, so it was impossible for her to prevent jaemin from believing his grandma’s stories.</p><p>jaemin couldn’t fight back curiosity. whenever summer arrived and stepped foot on his grandma’s house, he seized the opportunity to listen to all those stories his mother didn’t want him to believe in. his grandma told him about the forest which surrounded their house and about the secrets it hid. she told him about its large and narrow paths which extended like long arms towards the horizon disappearing behind the distant mountains. paths that he trailed with his bicycle to find the most out-of-the-way spots in hope someday he would encounter one of those creatures she talked about. one in particular, the majestic deer and its goldish antlers she described with her ancient and trembling voice that seemed about to break at the end of each sentence.</p><p>“it is said that for centuries,” she would start, “a magical deer has been wandering around the forest, and that it has gold for antlers and cairngorm gems for eyes.”</p><p>but stories are stories and can be told in many different ways, depending on the mouths they come from. in the village, the tale of the majestic deer was much darker than his grandma’s.</p><p>“its antlers possess the most powerful magic out there,” people would say. “and those antlers hold a magic no one has ever seen, a magic that can change the heart of the person who possess them, bring happiness to anguished hearts. but in order to do so, you must kill the deer first, before it sees your heart.”</p><p>but with the pass of time, the tale of the deer became only a whisper, a thin string of smoke dissolving in the air, disappearing forever from the villagers’ tongues.</p><p>until now.</p><p>because besides all his parents’ efforts of keeping jaemin away of the dangers of the magical universe by living in a big city far away from that side of the world where wizards and witches exist and brew potions that can heal souls, far from a world where demons hide in the darkest spots of empty streets and have fun by casting spells on people; he, somehow, has ended up being a victim of a curse.</p><p>it’s been almost a year since that, and desperation and despair had brought him again after so many years without unlocking the latch of the old greenish windows of his grandma’s house.</p><p>a house that used to be so full of life and now is just covered in dust and old memories from a past he wishes he could go back to.</p><p>jaemin has immersed himself in this sick and catastrophic search with the only conviction that those tales were, <em>are</em>, true and there’s a reason why people talked about them, that his grandmother was never wrong –the deer existed, <em>exists</em>, and he needs to find it. and the sole reason why he’s desperate enough to fervently believe it is because na jaemin needs to be healed.</p><p>and that deer is his last hope.</p><p>he would describe his curse as a sip from a glass of water —a tasteless life where feelings can never flourish in his chest. it happened someday, after days drowned by despair after his grandma passed away. he was laying on his bed and some old memories came back and he had cried hard enough to switch off his heart. and sadness was replaced by strange shadows of large arms and funny movements. and it would have scared him, made him shiver from fear that night, scream loudly so his friends could rescue him from those black silhouettes perched on the walls, the ceiling, the floor, even at the end of his bed.</p><p>he would have, if he had felt something, but he realized he <em>couldn’t</em>, and that’s how this story begins, actually —with the day jaemin couldn’t stand being so dead inside, tired of waiting for something to arouse from his chest, a genuine laugh, a genuine cry. <em>something</em>.</p><p>for the actual jaemin, the jaemin he is now, the jinxed twenty-four-year-old boy, feeling was like listening to a melody through a wall. he’s unable to decipher which melody it is, he knows it’s there, but it’s impossible for him to sing along to something he cannot hear at all.</p><p>it is some sort of magic he hasn’t experienced or seen before. and for this he had gone to different wizards and witches searching for any kind of help. and it happens that none of them have ever been in contact with such magic. they all said the same thing —that it came from the heart, and that they couldn’t change hearts.</p><p>so he has come back to his grandma’s house, to the village where he had grown up in listening to all sort of stories about creatures and wizards and also, about the deer and its powers and how those goldish antlers could heal hearts. and he doesn’t know how much time he will stay there, what chances does he have to find a majestic deer that he has only heard of in tales and no one has actually seen before, at least no one alive.</p><p>but jaemin used to feel many things —he used to laugh loud when teasing mark with the help of donghyuck, he used to be a flirt, feel excited before a date, enjoy the company of others, smile on his way home after a long kiss under the streetlights before saying goodbye. he even used to be jealous of his best friends’ relationship, even though they fought quite a lot for small things. he experimented all kinds of emotions, from sadness to mirth, just like any human being would. and he misses it. his condition is actually making him go crazy. he feels just like one of those shadows.</p><p>na jaemin had woken up one night and, after pondering for hours with his eyes glued to the empty ceiling, he had decided to try this crazy idea he had come up with, moved by desperation. so he had bought train tickets to his grandma’s village, he had packed everything, the essentials mostly, and that included his sketch books and watercolors and pencils and his tablet and laptop. and then, he had opened his closet, had tossed clothes apart, looking for his old bow and arrows.</p><p>he had been part of the archery team during high school where he had met donghyuck and mark after years of rivalry they have become best friends, the three of them. and surprisingly, jaemin was really good at archery, he still has gold medals hanging from the back of the door of his old room in his parents’ house.</p><p>they still practice sometimes and then get drunk after coming home as they remember the old days and make fun of donghyuck’s big crush on mark and how he was totally oblivious until they started college.</p><p>but it’s the first time jaemin’s going to use his precious arrows on an animal. the first and last, and he will not come back to their shared apartment and get drunk with them. he actually doesn’t know what will happen after that, but the thought of killing the deer makes him sick to the stomach.</p><p>so, just like a ghost, he had gone to the summer house, quietly. he hasn’t told his parents, he doesn’t need to tell them he’s going there, he had inherited the house so he’s the official owner and the one who has the keys. he has commented it to nina, his editor, and she had supported him on this crazy idea just because she doesn’t actually know the real reason because he had told her he needed a vacation due to he was running out of inspiration lately. and nina had encouraged him to start sketching the outlines of his first artbook —something for which jaemin has no inspiration at all.</p><p>
  <em>not when you can’t feel shit.</em>
</p><p>the only ones who truly know jaemin’s real intentions for going back to his grandma’s house are mark and donghyuck. and he’s completely aware that this is the worst idea he has ever had, but who can blame him? not even his best friends dare to say he’s doing a stupid thing because they’ve seen him fighting against the presence of the shadows and drowning in numbness enough times to be as desperate as him.</p><p>“are you sure about this?” donghyuck had asked.</p><p>“which other option do i have?”</p><p>mark had nodded slowly, eyes so thoughtful, “okay, but you must keep us updated, okay? call us every day even if you haven’t found it.”</p><p>“i will, don’t worry, markly.”</p><p>so it has been days since he installed himself in his grandmother’s house, after a long trip with the annoying stare of a child who was sitting in front of him. he knew the reason for that was the color of his hair, it would always draw the attention of some strangers when walking on the streets or using the metro.</p><p>one summer day, jaemin came back from the forest and his hair just simply had turned pink.</p><p>“can i help you?” jaemin asked the kid.</p><p>he blushed, embarrassed, “i was just wondering… why is your hair pink.”</p><p>and jaemin could have said the same thing he repeats to anyone who asks him such question, that he dyes it because he loves pink and that’s all. but he had something more interesting on mind.</p><p>“it’s from a curse,” he lied, as the kid’s eyes widened from curiosity.</p><p>the house was in the suburbs of the village, it could be said it was part of the forest, so once he arrived at the desert train station, he had to walk down the path that connected the village with the rice fields, meeting the forest. he missed his blue bicycle and the many times he had to pump a tire in the middle of his short trips to the village, the uncomfortable seat that had him complaining about it all the damn time.</p><p>a farmer saw him when jaemin was in the middle of a battle with a wisp and offered himself to drive him to the house. jaemin thanked him a million times until his tongue got dry by the lack of water and the overbearing heat of a sunday in a village like his.</p><p>“i thought no one would ever go there again,” the man said when they talked about jaemin’s plans in the village, tossing away the sweat of his forehead with an arm as the car stepped on a pothole of the abused road.</p><p>“i thought the same.”</p><p>when they finally arrived, the man closed the door behind him. “it’s a pity,” he said while staring at the house. “the colors have almost disappeared.”</p><p>grandma’s house used to be red. she had painted it as though she was scared of not being able to find her house in the middle of the night. jaemin always thought it was strange yet so beautiful and different to the rest of the houses he had seen in the village. people used to talk about how special its façade looked, all surrounded by flowers hanging from the balcony. it made jaemin feel proud of owing such a place and being able to enjoy it whenever he wanted. from its green tall windows and two balconies, to the large expanse of the backyard and the roomy kitchen, the house was imposing and at the same time cozy. the tall wooden bookshelves, the green staircase to the second floor, even the most secluded corners of the house were surrounded by plants, flowers, drawings, some lost book.</p><p>but time had passed by, covering the entire place in dust and weeds.</p><p>now, the colors of the walls had turned into a subdued tone of red that had nothing to do with the color jaemin remembered from his childhood. it made the place feel a bit disappointing. nonetheless, it was still magnificent in its own way. the entrance, although it was covered by wild plants and flowers that no one had cut in years, looked almost the same as he remembered. the gravel path down to the front door hadn’t been walked by in more than a decade and the sight had made jaemin’s stomach shrink. he had found out later that the backyard had remained untouched since the last time someone had been there. the old white iron table and chairs where they used to have breakfast in the morning along the buzz of bees and the chirp of birds coming from the nearest trees, now were rusted, just like a photography in sepia. the windows were covered in dust and dry raindrops, and probably, dead bugs would be laying on the bottom rails. a vine climbed up the left side of the façade, almost making the window to his grandma’s room disappear behind it as if trying to devour it under its embrace, and somewhat it reminded jaemin of his own shadows.</p><p>“you have a lot of work to do, boy,” the man said patting his back twice before leaving.</p><p>yes, he had. jaemin suspected that the inside would be very much like the outside, all covered in dust and dirt, spiders hanging from the ceiling, ants running through the kitchen’s floor, maybe doves had made their home in there through a gap, maybe the rain had teared part of the roof. he had spent the first week repairing the rooftop, cleaning the house. the plumber had a lot of work in there, the man had spent most of the mornings making jaemin a little company while he compiled and organized the boxes where the majority of the furniture was. and still, he always took time to go and investigate the forest, to discover new spots he hadn’t dared to explore when he was a child, all in pursuit of the majestic deer from his grandma’s tales.  </p><p>jaemin had no plan at all, he just went there and wandered around with his bow and arrows. he got lost twice and sometimes frustration made him doubt his grandma’s words. maybe the deer didn’t exist, after all. perhaps, tales were just that, <em>tales</em>.</p><p>and maybe their encounter shouldn’t have happened this way, or it might have been predestinated all along. life presents to us a sequence of different paths to take, takes its time to thread our new beginnings with those gentle hands of hers, until our endings are met, weaving every first encounter, second chances, every misunderstanding that will lead us to make the wrong decisions, secretly smiling in hope things unravel as planned. sometimes, even shortening the paths to the wrong people, and others, just mingling those threads in the most unexpected yet so interesting ways.</p><p>like their fates, for instance.</p><p>when jaemin’s eyes finally land on the majestic deer, the sun is shining gracefully above. it is early afternoon and a halo of light frames the creature as if it was godly, mildly outlining its silhouette. jaemin thinks he’s dreaming, glossy eyes staring mouth agape at the creature that stands in front of him with its prominent body, sharp and lambent antlers resembling goldish glitter.</p><p>the deer is quietly sipping water in the river, as if it hasn’t noticed jaemin’s presence yet.</p><p>
  <em>yet.</em>
</p><p>jaemin’s quick, he has to. in all likelihood, this is his only chance to do it. he grabs an arrow, eyes focused on the spot where its heart is. adrenaline rushes through his veins, his sight gets a bit blurry by the heat, but then, he hears his grandma’s words inside his head,</p><p>“<em>people make up stories so they’re more interesting”</em></p><p>and for the first time in weeks, it dawns to him he has been following not his grandma’s tale but the villager’s version, desperate for having his heart healed with a magic no one knows about. it may be true that by killing such breathtaking creature he could get back his feelings, but there is still a possibility that everything was in vain, isn’t there? because his grandma’s tale never talked about a magic that could heal his heart, and he trusted her words the most.</p><p>eyes tremble when he aims for the deer’s heart, still unsure of what to do, and hears himself gasping when the wind blows aggressively, howling as if it was angry at him, as if it had realized jaemin’s intentions. and just in a matter of seconds, the deer rises its head and meets jaemin’s eyes before he rushes to shot.</p><p>but the arrow lands on the deer’s thigh instead, and driven by fear, the animal runs away.</p><p>
  <em>fuck. </em>
</p><p>things shouldn’t have unfolded that way, or maybe it was <em>all</em> predestined. yet, there he is, rushing to follow the deer through a path made of broken branches and blood with blurry and glassy eyes, gasps, trembling hands, missing the handprints painting the bark of the trees. jaemin forgets about breathing while he darts through the path before his ears finally catch the sound of a body laying abruptly, branches breaking under its weight. but when he arrives, almost stumbling over the thick roots of an ancient tree, the majestic deer is nowhere to be seen. instead, a boy whose skin resembles almond blossoms lays almost unconscious on the ground —golden strings of hair falling over his eyes, framing the sharp angles of his face, too beautiful and breathtaking, the sun gasps as loud as jaemin when its light meets his face.</p><p>a young man.</p><p>a<em> bleeding </em>young man<em>.</em></p><p>
  <em>not a deer.</em>
</p><p>it is pure instinct, jaemin puts the bow on his back and hurries to kneel beside the stranger who is completely soaked in sweat with his eyes almost closed by the pain of the wound. for a second, all jaemin can hear is the sound of his heartbeat till the point he thinks there is a storm happening upon them.</p><p>the labored breath of the boy shrouds his ears like a wave that reminds him he has done something bad, truly bad. he’s so terrified he is unable to hear the broken words coming off from the boy’s parted lips. jaemin tries to follow the motion, eyes focused on his mouth to try to decipher the words, but it’s just impossible. he cannot hear them, even though he’s trying his best to catch them all, one by one.</p><p>the boy’s hand grazes upon his chest in an attempt to say something again, all stained with blood, and jaemin shakes his head.</p><p>“i— i don't understand…” he sputters, feeling rather dizzy by the tension griping around his muscles.</p><p>and it isn’t only that he is unable to grasp what he’s telling him that has him so nervous and confused, but also the distant thought echoing inside his head telling him that <em>he</em> is the deer, as impossible as it sounds. his fingers meet the boy’s skin through the ripped clothes by the nailed arrow of jaemin and it is placed in the same spot it had hit the deer.</p><p><em>but how?  </em>no one has ever talked about a deer that was at the same time a man.</p><p>jaemin feels his stomach twisting, ready to throw up. he tastes the disgusting flavor of bile climbing up his throat, a lump taking shape there, and before he can do anything else but cry out of confusion and pressure, he hears his own labored breath too agitated he’s certain his lungs will collapse.</p><p><em>fuck</em>, he curses inside his head, or maybe he says it aloud, voice in a faint trail while trying to gather his thoughts. <em>fuck, fuck, fuck! </em></p><p>he makes the decision of focusing on trying to heal the wound, or at least take care of it before everything unfolds in the worst way possible. he rips a piece of clothing from his own shirt to plug the wound. he knows he has to pull it off but he doesn’t feel quite ready yet, his hands are shaking and his legs feel like jelly and there’s so much blood,<em> why is there so much blood?</em></p><p>“t—this is going to hurt,” he warns the boy before curling his red fingers around the arrow, pulling it off with a fast move.  </p><p>the fast move, though, gets followed by the shrilling scream of the boy twisting in pain and jaemin bites his tongue so hard he feels there’s blood as well.</p><p>"i'm sorry, i'm sorry!” he cries as he manages to do a quick knot around the boy's thigh in an attempt to stop the hemorrhage.</p><p>dotted stars float around as he starts feeling dizzy.</p><p>
  <em>okay, calm down. you’ve got this. you have to calm down.</em>
</p><p>but jaemin's ears are flooded with white noise and, for a moment, he is unable to hear anything besides the recorded sound of the boy’s scream inside his head. the boy lifts a hand towards him, this time meeting the sound of his erratic heartbeats, and jaemin’s so speechless the world gets silent for a few seconds.</p><p>he will always wonder if fate had something to do with this, with their first encounter, if it had been already decided that they would meet under such circumstances. did it have to happen this way because there was no other chance they would meet in another situation? he doesn’t know, he will never know why, but in that precise moment the hand comes to touch his chest and, as impossible as it sounds, jaemin swears he can feel the boy’s warm palm brushing his heart. and there's no way he has imagined it because he feels it, as if light had met his skin after years of being hidden in the shadows.</p><p>na jaemin has nothing to hide to the world, but in that moment, he believes the boy has seen all his secrets at once.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>when jaemin was a kid the fan was always running in his grandma’s house when there were heatwaves, something that happened mostly during july. the fan was always turning left to right with that characteristic sound to which jaemin was so used that it kind of helped him to sleep whenever he wanted to take a nap on the couch.</p><p>his grandmother used to close the windows one by one, locking the latches of the shutters in an attempt to keep the hot summer breeze away. but one way or another, heat would always seep out through the thin gaps of the walls.</p><p>and some days the burning air was too much.</p><p>jaemin’s body would get covered in sweat, feeling all sticky and uncomfortable, so he had to figure out new ways to refresh himself because it became unbearable. he used to place a cold bottle of water on his nape, later against his lower back, then onto his stomach. it helped, he felt a bit better after that. and yet, sometimes not even the cold water was enough to ease his body because it was like living in hell.</p><p>the same sunbeams that always met his cheeks and arms and kissed his skin so gracefully when sun-bathing, would transform into a wild creature made of fire. so, when the sun would turn into his worst enemy, jaemin knew he couldn’t just fight it with closed windows, a fan and a cold bottle of water. sometimes, he had to be more creative and find the cold spots of the house on the floor, just like a lazy dog.</p><p>he laid there for hours.</p><p>on the contrary, his grandma was so used to these high temperatures she would return from having gathered the harvest, her forehead all soaked in sweat, and say “what a great day is this.” and then, she would find him lying on the floor and immediately after, an unrestrained laugh would resound over the kitchen.</p><p>"i don’t remember having adopted a dog…” she said one time while poking the thumb of his foot, bending down a little to watch his face closer.</p><p>"i'm dying," jaemin complained.</p><p>"oh, what a pity. if you die, i'll have to eat this watermelon all by myself.”</p><p>jaemin turned his head a little, enough so his cheek met the tiled floor, eyes glued on the kitchen table where his grandmother was placing the biggest watermelon he had seen in his life.</p><p>his mouth started watering.</p><p>“there are more remedies for heat, you know?” she said, while cutting some slices. “sometimes to change our condition, we must do it from the inside first. all we are comes from the inside. you come from the inside of your mother, your feelings come from the inside of your chest. so in order to change something, we must start from the inside. eat it, and you’ll feel better. promise.”</p><p>and it was true.</p><p>this time, though, when jaemin opens his eyes and his cheek meets the cold floor of the house and his eyes land on the kitchen table, it is just as empty as his heart. he needs a few seconds to settle, to remember why he’s lying there. but as much as he tries, there is no memory of that.</p><p>
  <em>when did i came back?</em>
</p><p>he moves a little, a sound leaving his mouth, feeling still kind of dizzy and sleepy and so so weak he doubts he will be able to get up. and suddenly, he feels a weight on him. hands curl around his wrists and jaemin finds himself pressed up against the floor with two threatening dark eyes staring at him.</p><p>“wha—”</p><p>blond strands of hair hang on each side of the stranger's forehead and jaemin feels the boy’s necklace brushing his chest.</p><p>"why did you try to kill me?" the boy hisses, making jaemin shiver.</p><p>
  <em>oh.</em>
</p><p>he quickly recalls the familiar face, even though his voice doesn’t sound as weak as it was a few minutes ago (or was it hours?). it sounds just like a needle grazing upon his chest to bury inside his heart —threatening, rough, sharp.</p><p>
  <em>it’s the boy, the bleeding boy.</em>
</p><p>he feels the boy’s weight on him and jaemin instinctively rolls his head, eyes looking for an escape.</p><p>"i thought— your wound," he gasps, moving his head to search for the wound on his thigh.</p><p>but the boy is quicker, “there’s no wound. why did you try to kill me, huh?”</p><p>jaemin’s throat dries, he’s so confused he starts panicking again. the boy is practically laying on him, bending his body over jaemin’s, closing the gap between them. it’s enough to feel his breath near his face, brushing his cheeks —mint, warm, mingled with blood. jaemin swallows, feeling as paralyzed as a fly before a spider devours it.</p><p>"answer me," he repeats in a demanding tone, voice rougher than before.</p><p><em>this has to be a nightmare</em>, he reckons, <em>it has to</em>.</p><p>as stupid as it sounds, it makes sense, right? he doesn’t even remember when he arrived to the house, his last memory is him hyperventilating before the boy rose an arm towards him.</p><p>but the boy’s voice is real, the weight is real and the pain on his muscles from being pressed up so roughly against the floor is fucking real. and then, he frees one of his wrists and jaemin titters when he realizes his body isn’t responding to his commands. it won’t move.</p><p>the sudden cold and sharp edge of a blade meets his skin.</p><p>jaemin opens his eyes wide as his entire body stops working for a second. he has one of jaemin’s arrows pinned against his damn throat and still, jaemin’s body acts as if he was enchanted, unable to move, hands and legs stiff.</p><p>his life is a fucking joke.</p><p>"what has brought you to my forest? answer me!"</p><p><em>my forest?</em> </p><p>their faces are so close he can’t even distinguish where jaemin's breath ends and where the boy's begins. a silence takes up in the narrow space between them as the boy presses the blade against the skin of his throat, tearing his flesh. a thin trail of blood rolls down his neck and it fucking <em>burns</em>.</p><p>jaemin gulps loudly, too afraid of conveying the wrong words.</p><p>and even though he knows there’s a stranger threatening to kill him, never does he speak. he blinks once, then stares back at him, as if bewitched because he’s so effortlessly beautiful, and he has never witnessed such a thing before.</p><p>
  <em>what’s wrong with me?</em>
</p><p>a glint of confusion sparkles for a second in the dark eyes of the boy, making him frown and jaemin watches himself reflected in his pupils. then, something strange happens, more even, if possible.</p><p>it is something unexpected, kind of unsettling —doe eyes widen as a fleeting glint crosses the boy’s pupils as his expression softens, parting his lips, rose colored in the edges, breath leaving his lungs in a sort of gasp. and it’s the first time jaemin notices that the boy has been biting his bottom lip all this time.</p><p>for a moment, jaemin forgets about the arrow against his throat, about the heavy weight on him, about the way his lungs are fighting to function properly again, about the boy’s demands and threats and about the near presence of death waiting for him to convey the wrong words.</p><p>he forgets about them all because he can only see him, <em>him</em>, and nothing else.</p><p>his tongue is unable to formulate any kind of word or coherent sound, it feels too heavy inside his mouth, and he probably looks stupid stretched out on the floor, unruly pink strings of hair sprawled on the floor at each side of his head. his eyes trail his face inch by inch, so enraptured. and all of this situation is so stupid, so incredibly stupid, jaemin wants to laugh because nothing makes any sense, <em>nothing</em>.</p><p>had he lost his mind? probably. but the boy who, just a few seconds ago, was madly yelling at him, now is also as speechless as him. and there isn’t a single reason to be like that, to stare at jaemin like that. they’re two mirrors staring at each other, seeing their reflection in the other’s eyes.</p><p>the boy breaks the silence that has settled by mumbling something jaemin can’t reach to hear. it comes off as a soft brush of summer breeze, the words hitting his cheeks so tenderly.</p><p>just as if he had blown a kiss to him.</p><p>"jaemin?”</p><p>the sharp pressure in his skin disappears as quickly as it had come minutes ago. jaemin can’t even assimilate what is happening until he hears the sound of the arrow meeting the ground.</p><p>“it’s…” the boy mumbles, bringing his hand to jaemin’s cheek. “you?” <em>what the fuck, what the</em>— "why... why would you try to kill me?" he asks this time, words laden with sorrow, a distant sorrow jaemin has ever heard so loud, so near him.</p><p>now it’s the boy who stares as if transfixed, not jaemin. a thumb brushes the dunes of his cheeks so gently as if jaemin was a dream about to fade away. his caress removes something inside jaemin’s chest he can’t even place yet, but he finds himself as breathless as him.</p><p>something burns in his throat and jaemin groans in pain as his body finally comes to life, as if it had just woken up from a lethargy.</p><p>the boy removes his hand so hastily jaemin knows he hasn’t realized what he was doing until now. he watches him move aside as he blushes, cheeks dying like one of jaemin’s canvasses after the first touch of a pencil; but jaemin decides to ignore it because right now his mind is full of all sorts of apologies, apologies that taste like nothing because there’s no excuse to what he has done, not even a curse.</p><p>“i— i’m sorry, i thought— i saw those golden antlers… thought you… weren’t you—?"</p><p>“is that what you were looking for? my antlers?" he asks, not demanding, this time just curiosity clinging to the tip of his tongue. "why?”</p><p>
  <em>my antlers.</em>
</p><p>so he <em>is</em> the deer, he has to be. but, at the same time, he's a human being. a man, just like him.</p><p>jaemin notices the sunlight kissing a tiny spot of his forehead, sweat glistening there as the boy’s hair hangs completely disheveled. he's still unable to stop thinking of his face, of how blinding it is to stare at him.</p><p>“why…? i— who are you?” he finally says.</p><p>somehow, the words make the boy's breath hitch. he lowers his gaze, the corners of his lips curve down slightly, so slightly jaemin almost doesn't notice it, but he catches the motion with his eyes and wonders the reason behind that reaction. he seems... disappointed? as if the question had actually hurt him.</p><p>"i…" he starts saying in a much calmer voice, and, <em>oh god,</em> it's sweeter than he could have ever imagined the first time he opened his mouth to yell at him. "i’m jeno, prince of the forest. this is my home, my place." this time, he tears his eyes away and in a lower tone, he declares, "and you are an intruder.”</p><p>“prince of the forest…” jaemin tastes the words on his tongue. "so you are... the deer, right?"</p><p>“i'm jeno,” he replies, rising a hand up to his chest. jaemin’s eyebrows frown.</p><p>"i'm sorry, jeno." there’s a long silence after that that none of them know how to fill. he hesitates before saying, "i promise i won't try that again, i'm sorry for all the pain i’ve caused you."</p><p>it's the stupidest, dumbest, fucking awkward apology he has ever made in his entire life. he's apologizing after trying to kill a deer that happened to be a real human and that human is now staring at him as if he was something out of this world, unable to speak.</p><p>jaemin feels so fucking embarrassed, so dumb, so ridiculous.</p><p>"jaemin," jeno repeats this time, voice softer than ever.</p><p>that's the moment it dawns to him he hasn't told him his name yet, but he has pronounced it twice already.</p><p>"how do you know my name?"</p><p>but jeno shakes his head, frustrated.</p><p>"jaemin, it's me, i'm jeno," he repeats, a hint of desperation in his voice that makes jaemin's heart flinch a little. "don't you remember me?"</p><p>no, he doesn't, he has never seen him, he has never ever talked to him, or heard his voice, or seen his face, or been near him, because if they'd met before, jaemin would remember him. he would remember the pitch of his voice when he's mad and when he's sad and how it sounds when he talks to him with no traces of rage or disappointment in his voice. just like a book he has memorized after rereading a million times, he would remember the way his laugh sounds and how many breathes he takes between laugh and laugh, or if he is the type of person who laughs with no noise at all. he would recall the sound of his voice when he’s dozing off, muffled against a pillow. he would have a memory of that face, maybe under the blue light of the moon, with shadows kissing the corners of his face and the tip of his nose. he would remember, for sure, how his dark eyes shine under the touch of sunlight in the morning or how they resemble a starry night when they are about to shed tears. he would remember the way he stares at him point-blank, the way he stares at things, the way he sees when he isn’t aware of jaemin’s stare.</p><p>he would. how could he forget someone like him?</p><p>
  <em>what am i saying?</em>
</p><p>jaemin shifts a little. "i'm sorry but i think you're mistaken—"</p><p>"isn't your name jaemin?"</p><p>"yes, it is, but i don't know you, i swear."</p><p>"what happened to your hair? it wasn't pink the last time i saw you," he continues.</p><p><em>what</em>—</p><p>"i don't know how you know that," jaemin stutters. “but—”</p><p>"jaemin, why would you try to kill me?” the boy whispers, puppy eyes staring at his before jaemin tears his away, uneasy. “i need to know."</p><p>but jaemin’s so confused and exhausted, body aching, and there’s a narrow thread of dried blood covering part of his neck and it burns. he sighs, rubs his face and tries to think of something. he ends up telling him about the shadows and the curse he thinks he’s under and that a tale has brought him here, to his grandma’s house, because he was desperate enough to believe that the magic from jeno’s antlers could heal his heart.</p><p>after a long silence, jeno nods slowly, thoughtful eyes trailing his face. "i know someone that could help you.” he stands up, offers jaemin a hand. "it's a wizard."</p><p>jaemin shakes his head, sighing as he lifts a hand towards jeno’s. "i've visited many wizards already, i've paid them and they've done shit.”</p><p>“you don't know renjun,” he declares, briefly smiling to himself, squeezing jaemin’s hand thinly. “he's not a normal wizard, he's more than that."</p><p>"and he can help me? really?"</p><p>"i mean…” jeno bites his bottom lip as he ponders his words for a moment while jaemin tosses a hand across his forehead all soaked in sweat. “i don't really know,” he finally says before pulling jaemin up with a strong grip on his hand. “i don't know much about magic besides the one related to my ancestors, but yeah, i believe he can help you."</p><p><em>my ancestors</em>. there're too many things he'd like to ask him right now.</p><p>"where can i find him?" jaemin asks, feeling kind of dizzy again.</p><p>"you can't, it’s him who finds you. and he usually visits the village around midsummer."</p><p>"midsummer? fine, no problem, i've been dealing with the shadows for months, i can handle them for a few more weeks.”</p><p>"um,” jeno hesitates before saying, “jaemin, you don’t actually remember me, right? you don’t remember that summer.”</p><p>"that… summer?" jaemin blinks.</p><p>"i'm sorry, fuck, i shouldn’t insist.” jeno brings a hand to his face before shaking his head, blush covering the tip of his ears.</p><p>“no, no, it’s okay. but i don’t really understand what you’re talking about…”</p><p>“you… you should take care of that wound, it's bleeding.” he points out. “i'm sorry about that, though. i— i'll be going, i guess. i'll tell renjun about your curse when he comes back.” he heads up towards the kitchen door, stumbling with the open door. “you should… uh— take care of this place, you know? wizards can be a little strange sometimes, especially renjun. he likes cozy houses to perform his magic, just a tip."</p><p>jaemin glances to the spot where the wound was supposed to be. “i’m sorry, again,” he repeats, aiming to step closer to him but jeno moves away. “i don’t know how i could mend my mistakes, but—”</p><p>“your arrows could never hurt me, if there’s no wound, there’s nothing to worry about.” the wind blows his blond hair, as if hurrying him to go away, swelling the floral laced curtains of the windows as well until the sight of his face gets covered behind them.</p><p>“but, how do you know me? how did we meet?”</p><p>“it’s a long story, don’t worry.”</p><p><em>i have all the time in the world</em>, he wants to say. “but your clothes…”</p><p>“i can fix them, there’s nothing in this world that can’t be fixed. i need to go,” he excuses himself, lowering his head before walking down the gravel path of the backyard that leads to the forest.</p><p>“jeno?” jaemin calls him when he’s already half-away. he realizes it’s the first time he pronounces jeno’s name and yet it tastes so familiar on his tongue.</p><p>the boy turns around, confused, waiting for jaemin to speak, but never dares he to pronounce the words clinging to his tongue. a choir of cicadas sounds higher this time, their melody carried with the wind as both of them stare at each other in silence. and it's not an awkward silence, it's not unbearable, it doesn't make him uneasy. jeno looks at him as if jaemin was about to disappear between the curtains, and then, his eyes close into crescent moons.</p><p>"i'm glad to see you again, jaemin."</p><p>and for some reason, there's nothing else jaemin can hear now except those words, not the toads, the birds, the cicadas, the exhale escaping his lips. when jeno turns around, walking towards the woods, jaemin promises himself to bury the bow to never touch it again.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>jaemin used to visit his grandma during summer holidays. he used to spend two whole months there and in her company, so his happiest memories from his childhood all belong to those summer days.</p><p>he still remembers that from his bedroom’s window he could feel the breath of the forest entering as an imposing melody that disheveled his brownish hair as he laid lazily on the bed. for jaemin, and perhaps only because he was an adventurous kid who never feared anything, the forest wasn’t as scary as people said. it was a place made for imagination, the perfect spot on earth to draw the made up sceneries that appeared in his mind. just by standing there, in the middle of a field of tall green grass and bees buzzing around with their tiny hands soaked in honey, jaemin felt inspired, so full of life. he drew trees, creatures that didn’t exist outside his head, kingdoms and witches and glistening lakes where the sun stopped for a while to take a breath. he also drew flowers, many flowers to count, all kinds of flowers his eyes could catch while walking through the woods which names he didn’t know.</p><p>there was something in the stillness of the forest, in some of its passages which reminded him of tales, that made him believe grandma wasn’t wrong about that deer’s existence at all.</p><p>he dreamt about it, wished he could see it at least once, breaking through the brushwood with the sun above, just as if greeting him. unlike the villagers, jaemin had never been afraid of his heart, he just wanted to see the prince of the forest and turn his drawings into reality.</p><p>just for once.</p><p>but he could never. instead, he kept drawing all the flowers he encountered, learned all their names, their colors, their aromas. he gathered them with small hands, brought them to the house to show them to grandma while she prepared another glass of water for the flowers. jaemin filled the house with their colors, in hope the deer would come someday, and perhaps it broke his heart a little that it never worked.</p><p>still, there was no doubt the forest was something else and that there were eyes everywhere. it was, <em>is</em>, full of magic, even if he wasn’t able to see it with his own eyes. it unsettled him a little that he somehow could feel the tickling presence of magic brushing his fingertips whenever he placed a hand on the wrinkled trunks of trees dripping resin. he could sense it on the back of his neck when running around a path of sunlight with his arms dripping with water from the river. even in grandma’s home the summer breeze felt like magic brushing his body tenderly along the mellow sound of distant cicadas.</p><p>it could be said that grandma’s house was the place that held all the happiness in the world, the only place which concentrated cheerfulness during fall, winter and spring; only for jaemin to enjoy it later at summer. a joy wrapped with kisses made of sunlight and the gentle brush of green leaves between his toes.</p><p>it is stupid, but he even believed winter, fall and spring didn’t actually exist in there, that summer was an everlasting season with no end. and maybe it was true, maybe that was possible because he has never seen snowflakes timidly landing onto the leaves of the forest, or trees shrugging when the cold breath of winter comes.</p><p>but then, grandma had died, and it had happened far away from her home, and suddenly the place became cold, abandoned, covered in dust and past memories that jaemin could never bring back to life. the house reminded him of her, her wrinkled hands, her ebullient laugh, her stories.</p><p>and it hurt so much jaemin forgot about summer for the rest of the years. and he never came back.</p><p>until this summer.</p><p>a stray cat enters through the kitchen’s door left ajar while jaemin prepares dinner with the few expenses he has on the fridge. tomorrow, he will have to do some groceries, search for a shop where to buy paint. he had been planning these past days on re-painting the façade even though it seems an impossible task. the day jaemin arrived, it surprised him that electricity still worked in there, but he guessed his mother had been taking care of those details in hope he would return someday. nevertheless, she doesn’t know he is there, and, in all likelihood, she never will, unless he decides to stay there forever, a very unlikely possibility that he has never pondered.</p><p>the cat stays there for a while, just watching jaemin’s expert hands cut the vegetables while dancing along to a melody coming from the speakers. he doesn’t notice its presence until he comes by the sink to pour some water and his eyes meet the black and orange paws of a calico cat.</p><p>“oh,” he gasps as the cat lifts its eyes, meowing, searching for jaemin’s hand to smell it.</p><p>a slight smile breaks through jaemin’s lips before having an idea, the wet tip of the cat brushing his skin. he quickly opens one of the cupboards and takes a tuna can he had been reserving for tomorrow night.</p><p>“you want some?” he asks, but the cat’s stealthy eyes just stare back at him. when he opens the can, the cat meows excited, running to his feet and rubbing its head against his legs. “you hungry? is that it? i’ll give you some.”</p><p>she, he finds later, stays there the rest of the dinner until jaemin starts turning off the lights. dusk has been already replaced by night, the moon reaching from between the woods, when jaemin decides it’s time to go to bed.</p><p>
  <em>it’s been a damn long day.</em>
</p><p>the cat’s thin figure slinks away through the door and jaemin shrugs before telling her goodbye, rubbing one of his eyes before shutting the door closed. but just before he locks the latch, he decides to leave the door ajar tonight, in case the cat wants to come again.</p><p>maybe, in hope <em>he</em> appears too.</p><p>he has been thinking about him all evening while taking care of his wound and making the laundry, waiting patiently for the clothes to dry. he has no idea what summer he was talking about, and he has tried to search through his memories for an answer, but jeno doesn’t appear in any of them.</p><p>after brushing his teeth, jaemin lays on his bed and thinks about the last time he had laid there, when he was a kid. the next day he had left the place along the noisy kisses of his grandma all over his cheeks. he hadn’t had the chance to properly say goodbye to his favorite place on earth because he believed he would come the next summer, as always.</p><p>but it didn’t happen.</p><p>that winter his grandma went ill and had to move to jaemin’s house. he has always believed that her illness hadn’t kill her, that it was the torture of staying away from her home for so many years. he never told his mother that, though. she did the best she could, she took care of her and tried to make her life less miserable than it was already.</p><p>all of jaemin’s memories with her had been made in this place, and once he had stepped into the house he had realized that under layers of dust and dirt, the house still smelled like her, although no one has been in there for a long time. just like a bottle of glass, the house had kept the scent of his grandma attached to each corner, awakening lost memories from his past.</p><p>and still, there is no trace, not a single one, of jeno’s face in them.</p><p>jaemin wishes he could see him once more, just to be sure he hadn’t dreamt about him.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>when the morning sun meets his eyes, jaemin can’t place himself. his ears catch the sound of a few flies somewhere outside, birds singing their melodies up in the highest limbs of the trees gnarled towards the house.</p><p>the heat from the morning sunbeams has been bothering him for a while now, seeping into the room through the opened window. there’s sweat in the back of his neck, on the palms of his hands, his forehead. the sun caresses his hair and blushes his cheeks. he takes his time to place himself, still sleepy, eyes meeting the blue wallpaper doted with white flowers. he stares at the old gooseneck lamp that used to give him some company during those sleepless nights of summer where he couldn’t stop reading until sunrise arrived, and then, he finds there’s still an empty vase of glass on the dresser that used to hold flowers he would collect from his many trips to the forest. next to that, there're old books covered in dust with bent covers from its use. he also notices the old drawings still hanging from the walls attached to them with tacks. his art has changed so much through the years.</p><p>a bug flies around him in circles, probably as confused and disoriented as him this morning. he lifts an arm to catch it but his hand finds itself empty. the motion stirs up the air of the room and the sparkling specks of dust floating around get exposed by the light. it looks as if a tiny portion of galaxy had been compressed in that spot of the room.</p><p>when jaemin finally rolls over, the bed cracks and he reminds himself to fix that as soon as possible. bare feet meet the hardwood floor which creaks under his weight, just like the bed had done before. it’s like everything has been in disuse for so many years and now is awakening, just like him. his head is still somewhere else, though. when he walks to the bathroom and opens the tap, cold water meets his hands as he looks at his own reflection into the mirror. he gazes at the covered wound, stares at himself for a whole minute in silence before he opens his eyes wide.</p><p>
  <em>the wound.</em>
</p><p>a sudden gust of memories comes across his eyes like a whirlwind of images —the weight of a body on his, a blade of an arrow against his skin, a gentle touch of a callous hand on his cheek, blond strings of hair, dark eyes, the deer, the blood, the boy, the boy, the boy, the boy, the boy,</p><p><em>jeno</em>.</p><p>jaemin recoils a few steps, hands trembling as he rises one unconsciously to touch the wound on his throat where he had applied a gauze the day before.  he holds onto the edges of the sink to support himself while the memories keep flashing through his mind as if yesterday had been just a dream.</p><p>although, it isn’t.</p><p>a vibrant sound makes him come back to reality and it takes him a few seconds to realize it is his phone buzzing on the nightstand where it had been charging during the night. he rushes to pick it up with hands still wet from the water that keeps running. he quickly reads a familiar name, “hyuck”, but it’s mark’s voice what strings in his hears when he finally picks up.</p><p>“na jaemin! we were worried, you didn’t call yesterday!” he reprimands him.</p><p>“we were ready to go, you wouldn’t pick up the phone, dumbass,” donghyuck’s voice sounded far away from the phone, jaemin guesses mark is holding it with the speaker on while donghyuck is probably having breakfast running around the kitchen before leaving to work.</p><p>“uh,” jaemin mumbles. “i— i’m sorry, i kinda forgot.”</p><p>“you forgot!”</p><p>“i was busy.” he’s still trying to assimilate the sudden memories from yesterday.</p><p>“i know the house is dirty, but are you so busy you can’t make time to call us?” donghyuck asks with his mouth stuffed with something.</p><p>
  <em>oh, right. the house.</em>
</p><p>“how’s the search?” mark’s voice sounds curious. “have you already found it?”</p><p>jaemin almost drops the phone. “find w— what?”</p><p>“the deer, dumbass. are you still asleep? did you get any sleep at all?”</p><p>“uh. ah,” he stutters. “y— yeah.”</p><p>“yeah what?”</p><p>“yeah… i found <em>him</em>.”</p><p>“<em>him</em>?”</p><p>“he’s still asleep, definitely,” donghyuck agrees.</p><p>“no… no. it’s weird to explain, actually,” jaemin sits on the edge of the bed, unsure of how to put into words the incident from yesterday.</p><p>“explain what?”</p><p>“the deer… it’s a boy.”</p><p>“the fuck…?” donghyuck gasps</p><p>“so you found it? him. whatever. <em>did you</em>?” mark cries.</p><p>“yes, and i almost killed him, but i didn’t. he knows me, guys, he even knew my name!”</p><p>“wait, wait, wait,” he can perceive mark having a mental breakdown over too much information. “explain from the beginning please, i don’t understand what you’re talking about.”</p><p>so he does, and they listen in silence apart from donghyuck’s comments from time to time, making jaemin smile a little.</p><p>“is he pretty?” he asks once jaemin has finished.</p><p>“hyuck, for god’s sake…” mark starts.</p><p>“i’m just asking.”</p><p>“and that’s all you have to ask after—”</p><p>“he is,” says jaemin as he recalls the image of jeno’s face close to his.</p><p>“and what are you going to do now? wait for that wizard?” mark asks, ignoring them.</p><p>“i guess?”</p><p>“jaemin,” mark’s voice is deeper this time. “whatever happens, be careful. don’t be disappointed if he can’t help you, okay? we can go if you need us, you know that. you can call us and we’ll be there in a second, your village is not so far away.”</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>a weight had seeped into his chest since this morning, not letting him rest after having spent all afternoon working on some drawings some commissions. despite all of jaemin’s efforts to keep away the memories from his childhood for months, he had been trying to search for jeno’s presence for the past hours. and he knows it’s not advisable for him because every time his head wanders through his past, he ends up surrounded by shadows. but jeno’s words keep echoing inside his head,</p><p>
  <em>“jaemin, you don’t actually remember me, right? you don’t remember that summer.”</em>
</p><p>no, he doesn’t, and it’s frustrating him so much he wants to scream.</p><p>he goes to the post office in the village to collect the last package mark and donghyuck have sent him, this time only some clothes and new material for his drawings. donghyuck had joked before through the phone, “you’re not planning on moving there, right?” and jaemin had wondered if there’s a reason to believe that. summer is a long season if you spend it alone and he wants the house to be as cozy as their apartment, at least so it stops resembling the abandoned place it had been during the past years, the cold and lonely house that once had felt like a warm tender squeeze of hands.  </p><p>on the way back, the weight deepens, making him gasp for air for a second. it’s not the first time he has gone through this, it had happened so many times in the past he is already familiar with it. when shadows are about to come, his legs become heavy stones, his mind is a hazy blur, and suddenly keeping walking is the most difficult task in the world. he watches the first shadow coming slowly through the hillside, birds chirping uneasily around. others start shaping as well, stumbling towards him at such a slow pace he sometimes wonders if they are as tired as him.</p><p>"stop being so fucking annoying, for god’s sake," he complains when one of them curls one sticky and dark arm around his wrist. “not now…”</p><p>there are times when jaemin takes the courage to fight them, to run away from them, but there are also moments when he cannot, he simply surrenders to their force. whenever that happens, he spends days, weeks, immersed in a state where he loses track of time while lying in bed. it’s a sensation he doesn’t know how to explain with words, but if he could, he would say it feels like an emptiness no one has ever experienced before. it drives him crazy, it’s like drowning deeper and deeper in a lake but never reaching the bottom, nor the surface.</p><p>the atmosphere changes as the wind blows, giving jaemin goosebumps as he shakes off the nearest shadow. an arm covers his shoulders and jaemin jumps, surprised, as he turns around to meet a shadow, but instead, he finds two familiar eyes.</p><p>"hey," jeno smiles. "i saw you walking down the road all alone and i decided to join you. do you want me to help?" he lifts his head to point at the box he’s carrying.</p><p>jeno’s oversized shirt grazes his arms when he leans in to take the box from his hands. by the way he acts, jaemin would swear jeno’s unable to see the shadows, but as he leans into, he whispers into his ear, "ignore them.” and for some reason, his melodic voice seeps into his lungs and jaemin's breath hitches.</p><p>suddenly, jeno tosses an arm between jaemin and one of the shadows attempting to reach him. he hadn’t noticed it before because he was too mesmerized by his presence but the moment the shadow hits jeno's arm, a fleeting sparkle coming from jeno’s quartz necklace appears, and the next second, the shadow dissolves in the air. he's breatheless, <em>damn</em>, he can't even say a word.</p><p>"if you ignore them, they will leave you alone. you have to pretend they’re not here," he explains, lips brushing his hair, as though he didn't just make one shadow disappear. “i can do this all day, but surely the best method is to simply ignore their existence so they stop coming.”</p><p>he prompts him to keep walking along with him, and jaemin's still confused by the sudden encounter, but decides to follow him in silence. he looks away when another shadow tries to approach him from the other side as he rushes to reach jeno. as they walk, jeno stares upon where an early moon peeks from a corner of the sky which has turned into a mix of turquoise and peach tones with tints of violet here and there. it reminds him to his drawing palette.</p><p>"what a nice view, right?" jeno comments, lips tugging up at the corners.</p><p>jaemin watches him quietly, not really sure of what to say yet. he never dares to tear his eyes away from him not because he’s afraid of the shadows because he cannot feel anything besides that awful weight in his chest, but because he somehow, is unable to stop looking at him. he notices jeno's eyelids glitter in goldish shades and that he has long eyelashes that brush his cheeks whenever he closes his eyes. jeno’s features are sharp yet rounded and soft at the same time and staring at him is blinding and so warm the sun must be jealous of him. it takes him a few minutes to realize he hasn’t replied yet, that he has forgotten about the shadows and the world around them. </p><p>"i love when the sky looks like this," jeno continues, and if he’s aware of jaemin’s stare he’s good at hiding it. "i think it’s a pity that big cities are so polluted you can’t enjoy this sight, must be terrible."</p><p>jaemin’s eyes widen. "you’ve been to a big city?"</p><p>"honestly, i’ve never been outside this area. the farthest i've been from the forest is the village and its surroundings, but that’s all. renjun travels a lot due to work and he has been to a lot of places. he likes to share pictures with me, but he says he prefers the village, though he cannot spend as much time here as he wants."</p><p>"why?"</p><p>"a wizard’s life is really busy, you see. he keeps going back and forth from here to the many places his clients are. he's also teaching chenle and jisung to become as good as him."</p><p>"chenle and jisung?"</p><p>"friends of mine, we met years ago in the forest and they've been around since then."</p><p>"so you're not alone," jaemin realizes.</p><p>"of course not, i’m never alone. maybe i’m not around people all the time, but i’m surrounded by nature which is better than anything else."</p><p>he finds him so fascinating he can’t stop asking questions.</p><p>"but you cannot talk to nature, can you?"</p><p>"when you learn how to do it, yes."</p><p>they keep talking about mundane things, sharing thoughts that can give jaemin a glimpse of how it is to be the prince of the forest, how he perceives the world, but also, how much he knows about jaemin’s world, about the world where no one talks about magic and everyone lives their busy life surrounded by technology. sometimes, the conversation ventures to their past, jeno mentions jaemin’s name from time to time, never daring to share their story. and as much as jaemin is dying to know about that summer, he doesn’t ask him to go deeper into the matter because he knows there must be a reason why jeno keeps casually changing the topic to other things. it’s a deliberate thing, and jaemin is aware of how his smile fades when that happens. he feels bad about it, about not remembering a single thing meanwhile jeno seems to remember every detail so vivid it kind of hurts him to talk about it.</p><p>by the time they arrive, dusk has already swept the pastel colors of the sky and jaemin notices the shadows aren’t there anymore. they're completely alone. the sun is setting behind the green line of the forest trees. now, the sky is covered in marigold colors slowly turning into red as if clouds were burning under a fire. jeno places the box on the kitchen table, a smile never leaving his face.</p><p>"years ago, this house was full of flowers," jeno comments, fingertips trailing the edges of a glass placed on the table. "it was always surrounded by flowers of all kinds, mostly pink. it saddens me how empty it is now.”</p><p>and perhaps jeno’s just talking about the house, but jaemin can’t help but think he’s actually talking about him, somehow. he used to be a kid full of light, his grandma used to say he looked exactly as a flower, with bright colors, life and joy brimming from the sound of his laugh. now, when he laughs it sounds hollowed, as if he was empty on the inside, and people can notice it.</p><p>he hates it.</p><p>"i’m sure you’re taking care of it, but if you need any help..."</p><p>jaemin interrupts him, “yes.” a pause. “i do." then he feels the flush coming to his cheeks, his voice has sounded too desperate. "i need some help because i want to fill up the house with flowers but i don’t know where to find them. the forest is too large and—”</p><p>"i— i can fix that," jeno babbles. "don’t worry, i can bring you flowers, if that’s what you need."</p><p>"jeno," he calls when the boy is already outside and jeno turns around so quickly he almost stumbles upon the tuna can jaemin had left this afternoon for the stray cat.</p><p>he cocks his head, blinking in confusion by the sudden call. maybe he wasn't expecting that, nor did jaemin who catches himself doing something he wasn’t planning at all. he parts his lips, unable to convey the words —<em>i want to remember you, i do want to, i’m trying</em>. but a lump has taken place in his throat. they stare at each other for a few seconds, jeno waiting for him to speak, jaemin just mesmerized by the way the sun bathes him in warm colors and the orange sky kisses his cheeks and eyelashes before the golden hour ends. maybe the world is as breathless as jaemin right now, because there’s no breeze, no nothing rushing him to go this time.</p><p>"i— uh, thank you, again."</p><p>it’s awkward, and it sounds stupid, but it’s enough to make those crescent moons appear on jeno’s face once more, as though night had arrived earlier today.</p><p>"no problem," he nods before turning around, starting to walk away. "ah,” he adds, “i think seol has already come to visit you.” jaemin can hear jeno’s smile in the way his voice sounds.</p><p>jaemin gasps, confused, "seol?"</p><p>"she's cute.” jeno raises his voice so jaemin can still hear him. “i know, but don't be fooled by those rosy paws of hers. she loves sneaking into people’s houses to steal their food."</p><p><em>seol</em>.</p><p>so the cat does have a name and she... belongs to jeno? jaemin giggles, his back meeting the wall, sliding down until he hides his head between his legs, as he continues to laugh. and he knows he’s still as empty as he has been for the past months, but in the pitch of his stomach, somehow, flowers have started to grow.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>it could be said that it starts with yellow.</p><p>one morning jaemin gets caught staring at the lemon trees on the plantation of one of his neighbors. no matter how much time he has spent in the village, he still gets surprised by the kindness of the villagers. they always bring him fruit, vegetables and eggs from their farms, and never ask him anything in return, but jaemin does it anyway. he does them their groceries, repairs furniture, he does anything to return the favors.</p><p>“you can take as many as you need, boy,” the woman says from the window of her kitchen. jaemin blushes, shakes his head, but she insists and brings him a basket. so he starts making lemonade.</p><p>the first time jeno brings him the promised flowers, jaemin is preparing himself lemon juice. while he squeezes a lemon, the scent impregnates the house, a yellow filter shrouding the place as well. the smell of lemonade, the flavor, all remind jaemin of happier memories from his past that he keeps safe in his heart.</p><p>music is always around the place when he cooks or works, when he repaints the walls, when he sun-bathes in the backyard, the mellow sound of the trees being shook by the wind lulling to sleep. this time, when jaemin looks up to search for his phone to change the song, he glimpses jeno’s figure breaking through the woods, walking closer and closer at a smooth pace. behind him, the forest stands as imposing as it has always been, and jeno’s body mingles, gets engulfed by nature, resembling a painting from the sublime. jeno could disappear someday, he could be gone forever in just a blink of the eye, he could abandon him because he doesn’t owe jaemin nothing. but he's there, every morning, and every time jaemin witnesses that scene he wonders if he could ever get tired of seeing him appear.</p><p>jeno arrives with hands closed around a bundle of flowers freshly collected, carrying a broad smile smeared onto his face. and with that look which says he isn’t aware of how pretty, how mesmerizing he is.</p><p><em>how could i forget him?</em>  </p><p>jaemin still doesn't have an answer to that, neither to that sensation in the pitch of his stomach, that warm and unsettling sensation that takes a place inside him whenever jeno emerges like a prolongation of the forest, hazy light bathing him like a veil.</p><p>when jeno finds jaemin’s face staring at him from the window, he stops for a second, cocks his head just like a confused puppy, and then opens his mouth in a big smile, wrinkles rising under his eyes. jaemin feels the imperious necessity of going outside and say hi and maybe make up an excuse just so he can touch his hands for once. but he never dares to do that, instead, he leaves the lemon on the countertop, sticky hands closing in fists, holding his breath for a minute to contain himself.</p><p>"morning," jeno says once he opens the backyard door of the kitchen.</p><p>"h—hey," jaemin replies, uneasy.</p><p>"i’ve got this for you,” he lends him the flowers and jaemin takes them between his hands and there’s a slight, almost imperceptible, brush of their fingers that causes jaemin to part his lips in awe.</p><p>jaemin puts them in water in one of his grandma’s vases and says nonchalantly, "i’ve made some lemonade, serve yourself if you want to."</p><p>"i love lemonade," jeno informs him. jaemin keeps on with his task, puts the flowers neatly inside the recipient, hands slightly trembling.</p><p>the following days, they are unable to find each other because jaemin keeps going to the village back and forth, but he always makes sure to leave a glass of lemonade for jeno inside the fridge. and jeno takes care of the flowers, leaves them in glasses and vases around the kitchen, the living room, little by little filling the house, the windows, even the backyard with them.</p><p>and it may be luck, it might be that jeno is as desperate to see him as jaemin, but one evening he arrives with no flowers, just empty hands.</p><p>“i haven’t seen you in days,” he says. “i’m sorry if i’m bothering you—”</p><p>“i love having company.”</p><p>jeno helps him to paint the walls, to plant seeds, to bring life back to the place. the sound of jeno’s voice ends up replacing the company of music until mark and donghyuck’s names get familiar on jeno’s tongue and renjun, jisung and chenle’s on jaemin’s.</p><p>so it starts with yellow, with lemon juice and sunlight, with jeno’s blond hair grazing his shoulders when he laughs, fingertips coated in the scent of the flowers he brings him. and not only flowers, jeno brings hope to a house that used to be dead, a heart that used to feel nothing, a soul that used to be as empty as a limpid sky with no moon, no stars, no sun. he comes to jaemin’s place, stays, and grows gardens in jaemin’s stomach until the gardens evolve into a whole forest, and without realizing, jaemin’s heart gets covered in colors.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>the day renjun arrives at the village comes quicker than jaemin had ever expected. at noon, the heat becomes unbearable and jaemin plays a piano song on the speakers while he rests after having painted one of the last areas of the back of the house that remained untouched. there are red dots from the painting splattered over his cheeks and nose, but he hasn’t showered yet because he’s too exhausted to do it. he lays on the sofa while waiting for his tea to cool a little as flies buzz around the room in circles, fighting with each other.</p><p>he has made the laundry early in the morning, a chamomile scent spreading through every corner of the house which has reminded him of his grandma’s clothes. he has been in such a good mood lately, after having accomplished so many of the tasks he had promised to fulfil by the beginning of the week. as a reward, he allows himself to draw just for the pleasure of drawing.</p><p>a month ago he had thought it was impossible to ever get inspiration back, he thought that he was so drowned in his own despair (can he call it despair when he can’t even feel?) he couldn’t see beauty at all, just as though he was blinded and the world had faded in front of his eyes. he believed that inspiration had abandoned him forever and that it would never come back.</p><p>but he has met jeno, and jeno has talked to him about the forest, and mostly about the way he sees the world, the way he perceives things. he has told him about magic and wizards he has met that had come to the forest in pursuit of studying his ancient magic that no one knows about. he told him once how renjun used to reject his magic, his true nature, before meeting jeno. after their first encounter, renjun had decided to study hard to become the wizard he is nowadays.</p><p>in those conversations, jeno had also explained him that life, nature and magic are everywhere, that they’re surrounded by them, and that he should be more caring and considerate of what surrounds him, even the most insignificant creatures. he had mentioned his mother twice to him, a mystery jaemin can’t grasp yet because jeno doesn’t like to talk about her.</p><p>it had happened after jaemin had pointed out that jeno always wears shades of golden on his eyelids.</p><p>“my mom taught me to do this,” he had said sheepishly. “she used to say i was her treasure and that i should always shine just like my antlers and hers.”</p><p>“that’s nice, i bet she was amazing, since there were always tales about her.”</p><p>he had discovered, days before, that the tales he had heard of when he was a child were about jeno’s mother, and not about him. that he had been only a fawn when all the rumors had started. and by the way he talked about her, always in past, jaemin guessed she had passed away at some point. he never dared to bring up the topic, though, in fear of being too intrusive or making him uncomfortable.</p><p>“they were wrong all along,” jeno sighed after jaemin had explained the tale in detail. “i don’t know if i’m able to perform such magic, honestly. i cannot bring happiness to anguished hearts because magic can’t change people’s feelings. it doesn’t work like that. the only thing i can do related to hearts, and that might have been the reason why people had made up such tales, is that i can see the true nature of someone’s heart. it’s more about survival, though, more about trusting the right people or not, because here, as you’ve already noticed, it’s pretty difficult to trust anyone, more even a human ‘cause they destroy everything they touch.”</p><p>he didn’t include jaemin in the sentence, he noticed, maybe because he didn’t want to offend him.</p><p>“but how can you see hearts?” he inquired, eyes full of wonder as it used to happen when he listened to his grandma’s stories. “how can you know you can trust someone?”</p><p>“i don’t even know how to explain it.” he pondered about it for a long minute, cupping his face with his hands before saying, “let’s say i see colors in them. for example, renjun’s color is blue.”</p><p>“and what does that say about him?”</p><p>“every person has a color for a reason, i don’t know which one, though. they are the only ones who can actually know that. what i do know is that if their color is black, then i should run away. it’s the absence of light, of good intentions.”</p><p>jaemin frowned a little, not really sure about if he could ask the next thing or not, probably because he was afraid of jeno’s answer.</p><p>“…and you could see mine?”</p><p>there was a silence after that that was only interrupted by the purr of seol asking to be pet behind the ears.</p><p>“i already did,” jeno confessed, shifting a little on the chair. “the first time i saw you in the forest and you were trying to help me. but you fainted afterwards so i carried you to the house and waited for you to wake up. i was curious because i had never seen such a heart like yours, it was colorless and i couldn’t understand what had happened to you to be like that. your heart wasn’t dark even though you had tried to kill me, so i was confused.”</p><p>the conversation ended right after that because mark called, the phone buzzing on the table.</p><p>and after many conversations with him, jaemin hasn’t been able to stop himself from drawing him. he has spent the last days outlining sketches of him, of a face he has been watching almost religiously every day. he has been memorizing each angle and imperfection and the little details of him because jeno seems to be the only source to jaemin’s inspiration. and it’s like jeno’s not aware of jaemin’s stare on him, or at least, that’s what he prefers to think.</p><p>jaemin knows the shape of his back so perfectly he could draw him with eyes closed, after having followed him deep in the forest one evening while jeno explained all those things about magic and life to him, and how they are surrounded by them. jaemin noticed the bones of his spine jutting out on his nape so shyly he had wished to trace them with his fingertips lightly, or to press them up as a keyboard of an instrument no one has ever touched before. had already someone played him? had already someone seen him breath and gasp with fingers carefully placed on the back of his neck? and if someone had already done all those things, did that mean that he had already been pulled close to be kissed on the lips?</p><p>jaemin has also memorized his hands, eyes gently staring at the shape of his bony fingers. and he has noticed that jeno’s hands are callous and rather than smooth, they seem to be strong and rough. they’re truly beautiful in the way he clasps them into fists and the knuckles stand out, veins pulling just like bowstrings. he keeps his nails neatly trimmed, although sometimes there are hangnails in his index or thumb that he bites unconsciously while they’re having a conversation. and, unlike jaemin’s hands, which are always covered in tiny wounds on his knuckles or stained with paint, jeno’s are always clean, as if he always plunged them into crystal clear water before coming to see him. hands that are always curled around the tails of the flowers he brings to him, hands that always help him with boxes, hands that had touched his heart.</p><p>so at night, when jaemin’s by himself and stares at the ceiling as night settles, he wonders if he had held jeno’s hands before, when they were children. and if so, he wonders whether he could notice the difference now.</p><p>but he probably can’t, because there’s not a single trace of jeno’s presence from that summer. and jeno’s face is still something he’s trying to learn, inch by inch.</p><p>also, holding hands with jeno is something jaemin is just not simply allowed to do.</p><p><em>i wish i could,</em> he had caught himself thinking one night, before dozing off, wondering if jeno had ever appeared in his dreams before this summer.</p><p>that night, when jaemin had dreamt of jeno, the stars seemed to draw dots inside jeno’s eyes, as if he was a river reflecting the sky inside of him, as if jeno was earth, and life, and probably the most tender summer night he has ever experienced.</p><p>it doesn’t take much time before jeno finds out jaemin’s drawings, though.</p><p>that same afternoon, when the sun decides to finally hide behind grey clouds forecasting a near storm, the noise of the squeaky door of the kitchen being opened sounds over the clicking of jaemin’s spoon hitting the insides of his cup. he has been completely blank from the past minutes since the last song has ended, staring at the way smoke leaves his tea and goes up and brushes the tip of his nose in the process. no music, no nothing, just his thoughts and the gentle blow of the wind swelling the sheer curtains after having revised his phone messages, ignoring nina’s insistence on jaemin’s artbook.</p><p>jeno enters the kitchen with no more greeting than the sound of his labored breath, hands on his knees after having ran for a while. goldish hair falls down the sides of his forehead, framing his face as if he was a canvas. jaemin turns his head, glimpses the familiar silhouette of jeno entering the door, stopping in the middle of the kitchen. he gets up in a sudden.</p><p>
  <em>renjun has arrived.</em>
</p><p>he knows this by the way jeno has come, with empty hands that are always impregnated with the scent of lavender, violets, blue lilies, peonies, cosmos, hyacinths, dahlias. as jaemin heads towards the kitchen, jeno greets him with a nod, sensing the news. and knowing the day has already come should make jaemin feel nervous, uneasy, but the only thing he feels inside is that distant echo of a feeling that should have roused, but doesn’t.</p><p>“he has arrived just a few hours ago, i’ve come as soon as possible, he had a lot to tell me,” jeno explains, still trying to catch his breath.</p><p>“of course, he has been gone for months.”</p><p>“and he hasn’t changed, either. jisung has grown up a lot, though,” he says, as if jaemin was already familiar with his friends. “he said he will come over at early evening.”</p><p>jaemin nods, thoughtful. he doesn’t even know yet how he should react, how he should speak to renjun, how he should act around them, a wizard and his apprentices, <em>jeno’s friends</em>. he doesn’t know if jeno has talked about him to them, if renjun’s stories around the world performing magic aren’t the only thing they’ve talked about.</p><p>“at evening?” jaemin finally says, after a long silence.</p><p>“yup,” jeno nods before grinning. “are you free?” he jokes to ease the tension, probably feeling jaemin getting lost in his thoughts again, as if he couldn’t still assimilate what is about to happen this evening.</p><p>“i think i am, i’ll have to check it out, but yeah,” he follows the joke, smiling lightly.</p><p>jeno huffs a sort of laugh, stepping back a bit and stumbling with the countertop. his hand comes to land on one of jaemin’s sketch books he has forgotten to save after drawing. jaemin’s heart drops to his stomach, he has kept those sketches out of jeno’s gaze during days because they are basically tons of sketches of him, and now, he has discovered them.</p><p>
  <em>fuck. </em>
</p><p>“oh,” jeno mumbles as he cocks his head, confused.</p><p>he turns to look closely at the sketch book he has found. it’s opened in a random page in which jaemin has drawn jeno’s hands. jaemin feels the sudden need to stop him before he can grasp whose hands those belong to, he wants to rush and take it away from him so he never finds out that the sketch book contains jaemin’s deepest secrets, that it is actually an exhibition of the way jaemin perceives jeno. but it’s too late, and before he can even take a step towards him, jeno’s eyes have already softened.</p><p>“jaemin,” he says in a low tone, eyes trailing each stroke.</p><p>“ah, that, uh, that wasn’t supposed to be here.” jaemin tries to sound nonchalant. “it’s just a sketch, you know? a silly thing and—”</p><p>“you used to draw a lot back then, when we were children,” he starts saying while peering at his drawings. “but when i met you this summer, you had changed so much i wondered if you still would draw,” he mumbles, voice laden with some kind of nostalgia. “but it seems you still do it,” he concludes, snapping his eyes up to jaemin’s, followed by a wide grin on the boy’s face.</p><p>jaemin’s hands clasp around the border of the counter, sweaty hands fighting back the trembling. it’s the first insight jaemin has to the erased past from his memories. his mouth opens in the shape of a tiny hollow, takes a sip of air as if he had been holding his breath for a while.</p><p>he says, “you… remember that?” and finds himself mouthing the words without having planned it.</p><p>jeno nods fleetingly, eyes coming back to jaemin’s drawing.</p><p>“yeah. you used to draw a lot of things —flowers and the forest, mostly, but also…” he closes his mouth.</p><p>there’s a silence in the room that jaemin finds unbearable, nervousness growing in the pitch of his stomach. jeno swallows, jaemin watches the way his adam’s apple bobs, and then a smile parts on jeno’s face again.</p><p>they’ve been knowing each other only for a few weeks but jaemin has already noticed that’s the way jeno disguises his sadness. it’s a different kind of smile to the others because it never climbs up his eyes, not truly, they become crescent moons but never sparkle.</p><p>“you used to draw me,” jeno explains. “at that time i was just a fawn, but you were so curious about my… magic and all, you were always talking about tales.”</p><p>jaemin wants to say he remembers that, that he had carefully kept those drawings somewhere in his apartment, shielded inside an old box under his bed. but it would be a lie, and he has decided he doesn’t want to lie to him <em>ever</em>.</p><p>“i… i don’t quite remember.” jaemin sees the fleeting spark of hope inside jeno’s eyes fading as quickly as it had appeared. “but… you can take this one if you like it, although it’s just a sketch. and there’re a few more…”</p><p>“really?” he asks, voice laden with mirth.</p><p>jaemin notices jeno seems too merry as he takes the sketch book between his hands, gripping the corner of the pages between his index and thumb so delicately as though his fingertips were sunlight perching on the tall leaves of flowers.</p><p>“don’t judge, please, i’m not that good…” but jeno shakes his head, narrowing his eyes before he shushes him.</p><p>“you are <em>more</em> than good, you’re so talented, jaemin,” he murmurs along the sound of pages and other praising words.</p><p>jaemin observes in silence as jeno finds out all of jaemin’s secrets —that he watches him disappear through the woods when he’s leaving the house, that he has noticed he has a mole in his index finger, that he cups his cheeks when talking. every little detail, he knows them all. and jeno doesn’t seem to be confused by this, he doesn’t ask the reason why jaemin seems to be so fascinated with his existence that he has filled up pages and pages of watercolors and sketches of him, <em>just him</em>.</p><p>jaemin can’t place the sensation which seeps into his chest. he knows for sure it’s not happiness, yet not numbness. it’s <em>something </em>in between, an <em>almost</em> real feeling.</p><p>instead of staring at the drawings, he finds himself beholding jeno’s fluttering lashes, eyes trailing jeno’s side profile the same way he has done many times already. he focuses on his round nose and how perfectly straight it is until he observes the way his top lip disappears when he tugs up the corners of his lips into a smile.</p><p>“i love this one the most,” jeno announces, oblivious of jaemin’s stare. a thumb rubs the edge of the page as if jeno wanted to caress each line, but never daring to do it unless jaemin gave him permission.</p><p>he swallows the lump in his throat, disconnects his hands from the counter and stoops a little over him so he can get a better view of the drawing. it’s the only memory jaemin has from the day they met at the forest weeks ago —a deer standing on the top of a huge rock close to the river, antlers jaemin has painted with goldish colors growing up to meet the sunlight seeping out through the broad-leaves.</p><p>“how wrong i was when i thought you’ve changed.”</p><p>jeno says it as though by looking just at the drawing, it had dawned on him he has been wrong all along. that even if jaemin is unable to recall their past, even if his hair is pink now and his heart has stopped feeling, he’s exactly the same boy from that summer. something settles in jaemin’s chest, something heavy that covers his heart with warm hands as silence grows in between them. jaemin takes a step closer to him.</p><p>“jeno,” he mumbles, and the boy looks up at him, confused by the sudden call, lambent eyes which resemble the stars he has seen in his dreams.</p><p>“huh?” he asks and jaemin tries to come up with something but it’s just impossible, his mind is blank. he watches the way his eyelashes flutter when he blinks, and catches the sparkle of golden in his eyelids.</p><p>he wishes he could trace the angles of his face with his fingers the same way jeno wants to do to his drawings. but then, he reminds himself he shouldn’t think of that because as much as he wants to do it, as much as he wants to move his face closer to his and press a chaste kiss to his lips, the truth is that he wouldn’t feel anything, just a hollow inside. and jeno doesn’t deserve to be kissed by someone who cannot feel the same things he does.</p><p>jaemin leans his head down on jeno’s shoulder, the tip of the corner of the sketchbook sticking into his stomach.</p><p>“i’m sorry if i ever hurt you,” he mumbles. he notices the way jeno’s skin tenses up when jaemin hides his face in the crook of his neck, eyes closing and tickling the skin there with the flutter of his long eyelashes. jeno almost drops the sketch book. “i’m sorry that i’m incapable of remembering you. i’m trying, i swear." lips graze his skin, never daring to fully touch it.</p><p>maybe, in another time, in another life where he wouldn't have been under a curse, that closeness would have made his heart race. but in this one, he’s unable to feel. instead, he can feel jeno’s heartbeat accelerating, his lungs taking all the air in the world, jaemin can hear a gasp escaping jeno's lips before a hesitant hand lands on jaemin's head, meeting his nape. fingers curl around so smoothly it surprises jaemin because he has always pictured them to be rough, not made of silk. jeno drops the sketchbook on the countertop before looping his arms around him. and for once, jaemin decides to be selfish and enjoy to be held by him.</p><p>“i’m sorry,” he repeats like a chant jeno shushes.</p><p>“it’s not your fault, you can’t control such things.” jeno's voice sounds over jaemin’s. “you’ve already suffered enough, don’t torture yourself with this.”</p><p>but jaemin doesn’t know if he’s talking about not being able to recall that summer, or not being able to feel the same love jeno has for him.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>renjun is far from what jaemin has ever imagined him to be. wizards are usually quirky and like to wear extravagant clothes of lively colors even though their aura is still somewhat fearsome. their eyes seem to hide something others are unable to see, their hands are always damaged by the thousand conjures they’ve failed to perform. jaemin has always wondered if your own magic could turn against you and hurt you, and it seems it can because he has noticed it in the hands of the many wizards and witches he has visited in his pursue of a cure.</p><p>however, renjun’s hands are impeccable, as if he has never been injured before, not even by the thorns of a rose or the sharp blade of a page. there's a grey birthmark on the back of his hand, though, that jaemin doesn't miss when the boy shakes his hand. unlike jeno, who always wears those ovsersized white shirts unbottoned to his collarbones, renjun wears black, nothing vaporous or exotic that could tell he’s a wizard by his looks, except from a red bow dangling from his shirt. he also wears different necklaces made of beautiful gems —emerald, amethyst, sapphire. they remind jaemin of jeno’s pink quartz necklace. he explained to him once that gemstones can intensify your powers, that he doesn't wear his just because it’s pretty. every wizard chooses the gem that can bring the best out of their powers.</p><p>renjun nudges one of the boys, chenle, when a loud noise arouses from his throat after greeting jeno. “be professional,” renjun scolds him. after meeting everyone, jisung follows renjun to the living room, head almost brushing the top of the door's frame.</p><p>“i told jeno there must be enough space to perform my magic,” renjun explains. “you might be aware already, but this is going to be… complicated.”</p><p>“i know.”</p><p>renjun turns around to meet jisung, offering him a bag decorated with the embroidery made of golden strings.</p><p>“please, put the candles to form the circle.”</p><p>“okay." jisung nodds repeatedly, turning his back to them. he tries to maintain his composure but then, he says aloud, "but how?”</p><p>renjun takes a deep breath. “jisung, i've already told you before, you must try to see it in your head. close your damn eyes.”</p><p>jaemin glances at jeno who facepalms, embarrassed. chenle’s laugh resounds all over the room and scares away seol which runs towards jeno. her bristly tail rubs against jeno's shins as he catches jaemin's eyes and smiles mildly to him.</p><p>“okay, okay, i got it,” jisung assures renjun.</p><p>the wizard sighs, squeezing his lips before turning his head to jaemin. “i beg your pardon, my apprentices are still learning and it’s my duty to let them do this in order for them to improve.”</p><p>“it’s fine.” jaemin gives him a reassuring smile as jeno comes closer to him. “i don’t mind.”</p><p>“i swear he has a really good reputation,” jeno whispers into his ear before a restrained laugh leaves his mouth.</p><p>they watch how jisung places purple and green candles around the living room in the most unexpected places, he even tosses apart some books from the shelves to place another candle there. then, he proceeds to light them all with a single touch of fingertips.</p><p>“jaemin." renjun comes closer to him this time, trusting jisung's skills to light the candles without burning the house. “i need you to be totally sure about what i’m going to ask you, and i need you to be clear as well that you agree with what whatever is going to happen in this session.”</p><p>“yes, of course, do what you need to do.”</p><p>“fine, i’ll get right to the point, then.” he gestures at chenle to come closer, too. “i need to know when was the moment these shadows appeared and what recent event in your life has made you feel at your lowest. were those two events around the same time?”</p><p>jaemin had never told jeno that his grandma passed away months ago, he had never explained to him how grief became so unbearable his heart stopped feeling. just like jeno avoids the topic of their childhood, jaemin has been avoiding telling anything related to his grandma as well. and it's not because he doesn't want to, he trusts him, but because the moment he starts talking about her, that weight in his chest grows and grows until the shadows come. and he doesn't want the shadows to come when he's around him, when he tells him stories and makes his life a bit easier than it was before. so it’s the first time jeno gets to hear the reason why the shadows exist.</p><p>“…they started to appear after my grandma passed away, almost a year ago.”</p><p>he can feel jeno’s intent look on him as the mood of the room shifts into a gloomier atmosphere.</p><p>“i’m sorry, jaemin," renjun says, and he knows he's being genuine. jeno’s fingers thinly brush his waist in a way that says he's there, that he cares, that maybe later they would talk about it, or maybe not because he knows how difficult is for him to do it.</p><p>“it’s fine,” jaemin tries to brush it off. “i mean, it’s not, but— whatever. i just want to get rid of this curse, i still don’t know how it has started, just do whatever you need to, okay?”</p><p>renjun nods, makes sure jisung has already finished his task. “the next thing i’m going to ask you might be a bit painful, but i need you to recall a memory with her that means a lot to you and keep thinking of it throughout all the process.” and then, he extends an arm towards chenle. “chenle?”</p><p>“yes! wait a second." by the way he excitedly replies, jaemin senses he has been waiting for this moment since they've arrived. the boy takes the bag from jisung’s uneasy hands and starts searching for something, but a whole minute passes, and renjun’s patience is already at its limit. chenle shakes his orange hair, briefly glimmering under the dim light entering the room.</p><p>“chenle…” renjun rushes him, but he seems unable to find whatever he has to find. “oh, c’mon.” renjun snaps his fingers and a tiny glass bottle comes to his hand.</p><p>“i’m sorry,” chenle mutters, eyes skimming the floor.</p><p>“okay, jaemin, you must drink this,” he gently places the bottle in his hands. “and think about that memory in particular. that’s all you need to do, but you need to be completely sure you think of that and nothing else. you must focus on that memory, alright?”</p><p>he prompts him to go to the middle of the room, losing the contact of jeno’s fingers.</p><p>“and then, what will happen?” he asks, after opening the bottle. it contains a purplish liquid that smells like lavender.</p><p>“then, the shadows will come.”</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>memories usually appear with a hazy hue of light, a yellowish filter, distant voices or sounds that embrace us tenderly, tinting our hearts with nostalgia. jaemin’s memories have that yellowish filter, that hazy hue, just like a dream. but he never remembers conversations as they happened, never. this time though, the words come to his mind, the images flood his eyes with the old summer house, big red walls, flowers growing at each side. a familiar smell comes from the kitchen and it reminds him of home, of <em>her</em>.</p><p>when he was a kid, he liked to pick the violets growing near the house, put one behind his ear, another at the top of his hair. he loved flowers, their pretty colors, their sweet aromas, the smoothness of their petals. and there was this recurrent dream in which he'd turn into a flower, joining others in a large expanse in a garden.</p><p>that day, when he picked violets, he was laying on the ground, ladybugs counting his fingers, pollen feather-like touching his nose before sneezing. a random flower had grown recently, pink and tall and so beautiful he forgot about the ladybug who flew away when he propped himself up onto his elbows, violets falling down from his lap. he looked at it closely as the tip of his nose met its petals. he called his grandma, excited by the new discovery, the flower fluttering slightly.</p><p>a flower with no name, a flower he hadn’t seen before.</p><p>he waited patiently until grandma arrived as he observed the billowy sun-washed sheets in the backyard swaying.</p><p>“oh,” she exclaimed, wiping her hands onto the apron as she walked towards him. “jaemin, that’s a peony,” she adverted.</p><p>“a peony?”</p><p>“yes, a peony. " she nodded, and then proceeded to explain, "legend has it a physician from the greek mythology was saved from dying by being turned into a peony. you like them? we can try and search for more, it’s weird there’s only one here.”</p><p>“yes!”</p><p>“fine, but only after having lunch, alright?” jaemin pouted, but she shook her hand in the air. “don’t look at me like that, you need to eat and become strong before starting to look for more peonies.”</p><p>grandma extend her hand, waiting for jaemin to hold it but he was busy holding one petal, rubbing it with the pad of his thumb and index. he accidentally teared it off and a gasp escaped from his throat. he immediately frowned, concerned, as the petal fell on the ground.</p><p>jaemin jutted out his bottom lip. “i don’t want to be strong," he mumbled without turning around. "i don’t care about that, if i’m strong i’ll hurt flowers.”</p><p>his grandma sighed. “you don’t have to, jaemin, you can become strong and learn to control your strength so you would never hurt them.”</p><p>“i want to be like a peony, pink and lovely,” he murmured, voice in a trail and teary eyes.</p><p>“you’re lovely already, you look exactly as a peony, jaemin.”</p><p>she closed her hand around jaemin’s, placing a kiss to the back of his hand.</p><p>when jaemin wakes up, jeno’s holding his hand, and night has already come. he's laying on the sofa on jeno's lap and instead of being surrounded by shadows, he encounters jisung's curious eyes. they explain to him that the shadows have come but the circle has protected him from getting caught this time, and that renjun has already a verdict about jaemin’s condition.</p><p>"it can be disappointing, but you shouldn't be," renjun says.</p><p>it happens that jaemin’s not jinxed, he’s just sad, <em>really</em> sad. and there’s no way to help him with magic because, as jeno said once, magic can’t change hearts. it is confusing at first, jaemin buries his face under his hands and tries to understand what renjun is telling him as jeno rubs his back in circles. how can he be sad if he doesn’t feel <em>anything</em>?</p><p>“that’s the thing, you don’t feel anything because your mind has switched your feelings off, like a button, to prevent you from suffering.” renjun explains. “the shadows are a personification of that sadness you’re trying to avoid unconsciously, so when you get especially sad, they appear. sometimes our hearts turn sadness into tangible shapes, like these shadows. you’re not the only one, though, it happens more commonly than you expect in the wizard community.”</p><p>“and… there’s something else,” jeno admits after clamping his bottom lip between his teeth.</p><p>jaemin arches his eyebrows. “what else? there’s more?”</p><p>jeno avoids his eyes, still unsure of what to say. jaemin’s stomach twists as he digs his nails in his palms. he observes the two youngest boys who stare in silence, the gloomy atmosphere has quickly changed into something more awkward, if possible.</p><p>“i think it’s all my fault,” he begins to say and jaemin snaps his eyes up to the boys who are still hovering around, in fear of meeting jaemin’s confused look. “you were always repeating that you admired how i could shift form and envied my power. and i wanted to help you, i suggested that i could try to… we were friends, jaemin, gullible and naïve and i truly believed i could do it. i don’t know if you remember it, but you were obsessed with peonies, you were always talking about them, that you wanted to become one. the last day of summer, we went to this place, a field covered in flowers where we liked to lazy around, there were peonies there, we held hands and i tried to canalize my powers, but nothing happened. well, there was something, it doesn’t matter, though because i’m pretty healthy now, but that day i felt very sick i had to ran away. we said goodbye to each other, the forest took care of me all night. i still don’t know what i did that day to you, but part of my powers went to you, i’m sure because i almost die that night. but don’t feel bad about it, please, ‘cause it was my idea, and i’m fine now—”</p><p>“what—?” he recoils, his elbow hitting one of the unlit candles.</p><p>it’s the first time he has a real taste of that summer, jeno has never talked so much about their shared childhood before.</p><p>“there’s a reason why you see the shadows,” renjun continues. “why your heart does that. i’ve studied the same cases on other wizards, but i’ve never seen it in a human. i was confused so i asked jeno about your hair and he told me your hair wasn’t like that when you were children.”</p><p>“i don’t understand…”</p><p>“jeno tried to give you part of his powers but it didn't work as expected. still, you certainly carry some magic inside. your heart can transform pain into shadows, to protect yourself from pain.”</p><p>“is… is it my own body who is causing me so much trouble?”</p><p>renjun nods, solemnly. “i can’t really help you, it’s not in my power to do it. you must change your inside to get your feelings back.”</p><p>“but how, how can i do that? i’ve tried so many things already…”</p><p>“i don’t know,” he shrugs. “i don’t really have an answer to that, but sometimes, people come to our lives and help us to heal.”</p><p>“i don’t need to be saved or something like that,” jaemin frowns.</p><p>“i’m not saying that, i don’t think you need to be saved, or that someone will heal you. i’m just saying that having someone around in your process can help. it’s my advice, just that. sometimes we need someone who will accompany us through our journey and that will always be there to helps us to overcome our demons, to give us a push. you don’t have to do this alone, you know.”</p><p>he knows, he wants to believe his words, he wants to believe there’s a way to overcome this, to finally get rid of the shadows. he wonders if the day he’ll heal would come quickly or if it will take him more months, years. it’s scary to think that maybe he will forget about how it <em>feels</em> to feel when that day arrives.</p><p>he looks around, he looks at the house that used to be empty, and abandoned, a house no one thought would ever be inhabited again and here they are, not only jeno and him, but their friends, even seol. he can imagine mark and donghyuck walking around the place, their contagious laughter resounding against these walls when they come to visit him some day, because they will, of course they will, mark has already insisted on planning a short trip to visit him and see the house. he even pictures jeno’s friends in here too, not as silent as they are now, but more comfortable and at ease, meeting jaemin’s.</p><p>perhaps it will take longer, or perhaps he’s already healing. it dawns on him that he hasn’t seen the shadows since the day jeno had walked with him home. and there’s also that weight on his chest, that tiny echo of a feeling that wants to burst out but can’t. maybe he has already started that journey, and he has also found a person that can give him a push.</p><p>“i— i think i can handle it,” he says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if you've come so far, please don't forget to leave kuddos if you've liked it to let me know you've read it ♡ and you'll make me really happy ♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. he came from the sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>♡ <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Fb8CfDnZMZcTkFYGnCdga?si=jvN7gxyISjyXCzgPYVVxaA">playlist</a><br/>♡ <a href="https://padlet.com/healsvtt/f91zicrf0g2fnt2t">moodboard </a></p><p>the title of this chapter comes from the song: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6XiptgXfinjwv6FVyrUrCy?si=JTElp8URT_6QLTtE7Uni7Q">he came from the sun</a> by c duncan<br/>"He came from the sun with flowers<br/>On a boat made out of white and grey and blue"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>after renjun’s visit, jeno goes to the house more and more often. jaemin stops having dinner by himself, and it’s not because of seol’s presence, but because jeno is already there when she sneaks in through the backyard door left ajar. one night, before jeno leaves, he promises jaemin he will show him the place where they used to spend the days together that summer. jaemin has noticed that he has been more open lately to share memories from that time with him, and it’s a good sign.</p><p>the basking sun comes as tides of air in the afternoon when jeno arrives to take him to the secret place he has told him about. the weather is impossibly hot, makes jaemin almost regret his decision of following jeno through the woods. they talk about things jaemin has never heard of, glimpses of a past he doesn’t remember. jeno isn’t the type of person who enjoys talking about himself, he always finds a way to make jaemin talk and carry the conversation, but when jaemin mentions how curious he is about the forest and its secrets, he’s unstoppable. and jaemin likes it, he takes pleasure on listening to his stories, his anecdotes with renjun and the boys, on listening to the sound of his voice. he never gets tired of spending his time with him, of learning new things. and even though he doesn’t remember any of the things he mentions (just brief comments here and there, never too deep to give jaemin a proper idea of what actually happened that summer), in jeno’s mind those months still exist, at least, and jaemin thinks that’s all that matters. he has already given up on the idea of ever getting those memories back, but that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy them when jeno talks about them.</p><p>they climb up hill, jeno takes him by the hand, helping him to climb the steep slope, and jaemin believes the forest is endless. he watches jeno walk confidently through each narrow path, knowing the forest inch by inch and all the secrets that jaemin had spent his whole childhood trying to decipher, yet failing. the forest extends like long, languid limbs, reaching the limits of the village and whatever other places it’s surrounded by. and jeno talks about the forest as a friend, which is very odd for jaemin but after having spent a whole month with him he has already gotten used to that kind of conversations. he talks about the forest the same way he does when he mentions renjun, or jisung or chenle.</p><p>“ah, we’re almost there.”</p><p>and it’s true, jeno breaks through some bushes and trees, the sky finally meeting jeno’s milky skin when jaemin’s eyes glimpse the sight of an open field covered in layers of colors, from pink to purple to red to yellow and orange and white and blue. he can’t even begin to count the amount of different species of flowers which grow in that peculiar field in the middle of a dense and thick forest. how can a place like this exist? there are butterflies and dragonflies drifting around the place as if that were their home, even the sun seems to be resting there over the surface of a tiny lake, like a nymph from a painting. the sheen green water is covered by petals the wind has blown and some fallen leaves here and there.</p><p>jaemin’s heart constricts in a way he hasn't noticed before, a sensation he can't still place or name, spreading across his chest. he stares in awe at the place as he steps into the huge expanse of flowers, almost feeling sorry for stepping over them. jeno watches him with a soft smile tugging up the corner of his lips, it’s almost imperceptible, but jaemin notices it as he takes one, two steps. fingertips brush the tallest flowers, meeting the smooth petals wrapping them with their unique aromas. he feels the gentle touch of grass blades against his bare shins, the mellow sound of swallows echoing through the place. jaemin doesn’t know if what he hears is their actual tweets or just the long and old echo of a conversation between them from seconds before. cicadas fight for their voices to be heard somewhere hidden in the woods and jaemin wonders if jeno can feel that too, the sensation that they’re not completely alone because they are surrounded by life, a life as silent as the breath of wind, tender, rising upon them, blowing up their hair, sweeping away their worries.</p><p>it feels like a dream, a dream so real he can even feel his own heart beating hard against his chest and he’d like to cry but tears never come. instead, he glances up at jeno and the boy’s grin widens painfully hard, so hard jaemin’s chest can’t even handle it.</p><p>“what do you think?”</p><p>“jeno, this place is… so beautiful.”</p><p>“it’s my favorite place in the forest, no one has ever encountered it. it’s free from human life, nature here grows in peace.”</p><p>“i love it, but i feel bad for stepping on the flowers,” he confesses, jutting his bottom lip slightly.</p><p>“don’t worry about that, they will heal and grow again." he walks away, heading towards the lake and jaemin wants to tell him he already misses his presence near him. "i've spent so many hours lying here and reading, and you would say “reading alone” but in my eyes, i'm never alone. i wanted to show you this place so you could understand it."</p><p>“surrounded by life... yeah, now i get what you always say.”</p><p>jeno’s face opens in a pleased smile, and then, he turns to glance at the lake.</p><p>“jaemin, wanna take a bath with me?” he says, eyes never leaving the spot he's staring at.</p><p>“what? like, in the lake?" jaemin stutters, confused by the sudden question. "i didn’t bring my swimming trunks…”</p><p>“it doesn’t matter, unless you’re actually bothered by—”</p><p>“it’s fine," he gets to say before scarlet dyes his cheeks. he sighs, loudly, enough for jeno to hear it. "just turn around, okay?”</p><p>“as you please.”</p><p>“shut up.”</p><p>jaemin hears the first splash just seconds after he has taken his shirt off. jeno has disappeared under the petals floating at the surface, just the same way he does when he gets engulfed by nature when he leaves jaemin’s house. every time jeno does something, every time he takes a step, he meets nature and nature embraces him as if he was part of the landscape. perhaps because he’s actually part of that world, a world jaemin still doesn’t understand fully but he is trying to, because jeno belongs there. jaemin wants to be part of his world, too, to feel and experience the same way he does, so lovely and full of life and hope.</p><p>jaemin looks at the pile of clothes while standing awkwardly wondering about his life choices. jeno rises from the waters, golden hair pulled back, water dripping down his chin. his eyes drop to the expanse of his chest, then to his collarbones jutting out when he rises an arm to shove his fingers into his hair. speckles of gold shine in his eyelids and jaemin's heart skips a beat, and it’s like jeno can perceive it because in that moment his eyes turn to look at him.</p><p>“it’s not cold, you know."</p><p>“i know."</p><p>“actually, you don’t, ‘cause you haven’t joined yet,” jeno deadpans.</p><p>jaemin giggles, softly, mingled with the blush on his face, “shut up.”</p><p>“you can’t stop telling me to shut up, do you really want me to?"</p><p><em>oh yes</em>, in that moment he would love to because he's going to die from embarrassment if he doesn't.</p><p>“yes,” he replies, eyes trailing jeno’s amused smile.</p><p>“i will, then.”</p><p>“don’t.”</p><p>“then, join me, you won’t regret it. i promise i won’t look.”</p><p>“i know,” he says.</p><p>it’s the solely truth, jeno has never done anything wrong to him, <em>nothing</em>. he comes and goes every day and fills his heart with flowers. but maybe one of the many disadvantages of having blocked his feelings for so long is that he doesn’t have a name for what is happening inside him, for that weight on his chest. and… even if all of this, the shadows, the impossibility to feel hadn't happened, would he still be able to understand his heart? to place this strange feeling? because na jaemin has never, ever, fallen in love before, not even when he kissed the first boy many years ago (or the second one, the third, the forth…). he believed it was impossible for him to fall for someone, that his heart wasn’t made for that. he could feel want for them, but not love, never that, because love was a word made for someone like jeno, not for him. love was an unreachable feeling, something that would never taste good on his tongue. it won’t ever fill up his lungs and let him speechless and wondering if he has seen the stars just by looking through someone’s eyes.</p><p>he plunges into the water like a falling star crossing the sky, meeting the highest mountains between the rising mist of the night, but it’s daylight what jeno sees when jaemin disappears under the waters.</p><p>they play and fight in the water, splashing water at each other as their laughter scares the nearby birds perched in the trees. jeno’s hands meet jaemin’s under the water and they interlace their fingers and pushes him back until one of them bursts into laughter again, bubbles rising up to the surface. they go up to take a breath and afterwards, jaemin places his hands over jeno's shoulders to push him underwater again.</p><p>sunlight rests on the surface and thinly breaks through petals and leaves as if it didn’t want to miss the party, jealous of the joy shared in that spot of the forest, far away from its touch. somehow, light reaches jeno’s cheeks, just the same way it does every morning when he appears and jaemin believes he’s made of sunlight and beach sand, or maybe of moonlight and starlight. he stares at his pretty face, his pretty cheeks, pretty eyes, pretty nose, pretty lips and wishes he could kiss him right there and end the suffering of not knowing if he has been made for love or not, but the outcome is scarier than that, so he just stares, stares deeply and jeno knows because he cocks his head. under the water, silence feels heavy.</p><p>jeno fades just like a mermaid into the night waters. and jaemin knows he will meet him up there, in the surface of the water, in the lake covered in petals with the sun finally touching him with not obstacles between them. so he goes up, following a trail of bubbles, and that’s when he realizes jaemin's out of breath, and he hasn't noticed it before because he was too focused on jeno and his lips and the way the earth, the sun, the stars love him, and he wants to do the same.</p><p>when jaemin finally reaches the surface, he takes a deep breath, almost choking, coughing aggressively.</p><p>“were you trying to die in there? i couldn’t hold my breath any longer,” jeno comments with hands on his own face as he wipes his eyes.</p><p>“i… kinda forgot,” jaemin admits.</p><p>it's folly and he’s stupid and he doesn’t understand what’s on his mind, but jeno is like a force that makes him forget the rest of the world without even trying it.</p><p>“dumbass,” jeno says and it’s not the first time he calls him that and it’s not the first time, either, that jaemin tells him he’s dumber than him and he likes that they’re so comfortable around each other.</p><p>jaemin wants to know if that’s something that used to happen in the past as well, but he doesn’t want to bring up that topic now so he lets himself enjoy things in the moment, and decides that happiness feels like this, in this exact moment —a light weight on his chest which reminds him of flowers and gardens and rolling fields bathed in golden.</p><p>later, when jaemin decides it’s been enough he lays on the lakeside. he watches jeno appear and disappear into the water as jaemin basks under the sun, clothes on, leaning his weight on his elbow. jeno calls him once, twice, and splashes him with water in the face. jaemin screams an “oi, jeno” and laughter comes easier than ever.</p><p>jeno gets out of the water and jaemin is quick to look at the opposite side, blushing again. it’s seems like to jeno, this is normal, skinny-dipping with a friend and all, and maybe it should be the same for jaemin, but they come from different worlds, after all.</p><p>jeno is only wearing his jeans when he decides to tease him. “jaemin, are you blushing?”</p><p>jaemin chokes on his spit. “what?” he spins his head around and eyes meet jeno's bare chest. his breath hitches. “no, why?”</p><p>jaemin can actually see how jeno's laugh climbs up from his chest to his shoulders, shrugging violently before it reaches his face, head thrown back as his eyes close into those moons.</p><p>“i mean, your cheeks, your ears have become red,” he points out.</p><p>jaemin lifts a hand to his ears, lowering his head a little at the same time.</p><p>“because it’s very hot in here,” he almost screams. “i mean— hot as in like… the weather is hot, you know!” his voice comes off high pitched.</p><p>jeno chuckles again. “whatever you say,” he mutters, and finds a spot to lay beside him.</p><p>then, something weird happens.</p><p>“you still have drops on your eyelashes,” jeno notices, out of the blue, narrowing his eyes as a hand comes to touch jaemin’s face, and suddenly, jaemin can’t breathe, although this time he's not underwater. immediately after saying that, the pad of jeno's index brushes his eyelashes so mildly he almost doesn't notice the weight of a second hand grabbing his chin so their mouths are at the same heigh. “just like pearls,” he whispers, eyes fixed on jaemin's.</p><p>he smells of fresh water mingled with the scent of the flowers covering the lake. jaemin's tongue dries so suddenly, as he stares at jeno with the same eyes that have beheld his bare chest a few minutes ago. he's transfixed, mesmerized by his closeness, lips so apparently soft he yearns them even though he has never touched them, not once. and afterwards, the drop is attached to jeno's finger which he rises up to his own mouth, slightly brushing the bottom of his lip to lick it. and it breaks jaemin's heart that he cannot turn into water, or rain, maybe a tear, so he can have an excuse to graze his lips.</p><p>jaemin stares in awe at the scene, words forever lost under the lump of his throat. and if he sees him blushing this time, jeno doesn't comment it.</p><p>“jaemin, i want to take you to the place i was born,” he says, instead.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>jaemin has always been curious about jeno's house, about the kind of place he has grown up in. he pictured it simpler than in reality is. not really far away from their secret place, a cottage stands surrounded by flowers, almost swallowed under the weight of nature. there are colored pieces of glass dangling from the edges of the roof by strings. the wind shakes them, producing a mellow sound, exposing them to sunlight. red, pink, orange, blue, yellow shades of light from the crystals float around the place, meeting jaemin's cheeks. it’s a peculiar place, something he could have never imagined, kind of magical. but after all, jeno is a prince of the forest.</p><p>wildflowers grow around all over the place, from the rooftop where some peek shyly, to the bottom of the building. and it's not as if jeno had seeded them deliberately, but more like as if nature itself had chosen to be there, shielding jeno's home.</p><p>it's almost as though everything that surrounds him is as effortlessly beautiful as him.</p><p>jeno gestures jaemin to follow him into the house, mirth coming from his eyes. silence reigns the place as jaemin’s eyes roam around, parted lips where a low "oh" escapes from. there are pictures and drawings hanging from the walls, and jaemin recognizes his own, the ones he has given to him a few weeks ago, neatly placed near his bed. but then, attached with tacks in the walls over a hardwood desk covered in books, he finds a few more. by only a glance, jaemin can tell those drawings are his, drawings he doesn't remember having made, but that jeno has kept after so many years. and it makes his heart weight a little heavier than before, enough to make him feel a sparkle of that something he has no name for yet.</p><p>even though jeno lives alone, the place is full of pictures of his friends, but it is kind of sad, though, that he doesn’t possess any picture from his childhood, almost as if the only memory of that time had been immortalized by jaemin's drawings.</p><p>when jaemin asks him about it, he just shakes his head, says that what matters is that he still has those memories inside his mind. jeno explains to him that a few years ago, it had frustrated him that he didn't even own a picture of his mother.</p><p>"but things are the way they are, and sometimes we must let go of those regrets in order to keep on."</p><p>and it’s the most genuine thing jeno has ever said.</p><p>he has a small kitchen —there are all kinds of spices bottled up and neatly put in shelves and a cupboard with crystal doors. jaemin notices the place smells like rosemary mixed with the scent of flowers and the humid heat of summer, all condensed in a tiny space that jeno calls his home.</p><p>“does anyone know you live here?”</p><p>“apart from my friends, nope. it would be dangerous if someone from the village discovered that here is where that deer lives.”</p><p>“and you’ve been living here all by yourself since you were little?”</p><p>“well, yeah, kind of. i met renjun in the middle of winter and only when i knew i could trust him, really trust him, i was able to show him this place.”</p><p>“so… you grew up lonely.”</p><p>“it could be said that, yeah, but then you need to remember that we are surrounded by nature and that nature, even though it doesn’t own a voice, is here, always.”</p><p>and he's right. jaemin has always perceived it whenever he has stepped into the forest, but since he has met him, that sensation has intensified.</p><p>when they come back to jaemin’s place, he doesn’t know if he’s ready to watch him disappear into the woods as he always does, every day, every night. somehow his mind and body are whispering him to tell jeno it’s okay if he wants to spend the night there, with him.</p><p>the words roll off his tongue with ease, “you could stay, if you want to.”</p><p>jeno blinks once, then cocks his head as he always does.</p><p>“really?”</p><p>the invitation is there, floating around them, trying to pull their bodies closer somehow.</p><p>“yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>just like they've already done for the last weeks, they have dinner along seol's purrs in the kitchen, sharing anecdotes that make jeno laugh out loud while they drink wine and jeno’s ears become red. when mark and donghyuck call jaemin, like every other night, he doesn't turn on the speakers, so jeno cannot hear their conversation, only jaemin's answers as he laughs at donghyuck's comments.</p><p>“i can’t believing you’re really out there living a childhood friends to lovers au,” donghyuck says as jaemin chuckles.</p><p>“but i’m not,” he denies, and adds in a lower voice he hopes it gets muffled by the music, “i don’t remember anything from that childhood. and yours was an enemies to lovers au, which is frankly way better.”</p><p>“oh god, don’t remind me,” mark cries.</p><p>“c’mon, mark, you loved it!” donghyuck fights him. “it's so cute how mad you were because i was better than you in archery.”</p><p>“you weren’t better than me.”</p><p>jaemin rolls his eyes.</p><p>“liar. and you kissed me.”</p><p>“guys, i’m here.”</p><p>just before they hang up, mark picks the phone from donghyuck’s hands and says, “jaemin, i wanted to tell you something, i’ve been wanting to tell you since a few weeks ago but—”</p><p>“he’s really bad at words,” donghyuck says at the back.</p><p>“well, that’s true but still. listen, i know that wizard couldn’t help you the way you wanted, but i swear that since you arrived there, i’ve noticed the change in you. you sound more… i know you still don’t feel anything, but there’s something in your voice and the way you talk about that place, and about jeno as well, that reminds me of the old you, the one who used to be happy.”</p><p>and maybe it’s true, maybe mark is right, maybe jaemin is healing. maybe, maybe, <em>maybe</em>.</p><p>after brushing their teeth between giggles and jokes and as jaemin waits for the wine to fade, they lay together on the bed so easily, no awkwardness or uneasy hands, just two people that are so used to each other’s presence that sharing a bed is not a big deal.</p><p>jeno lies beside him, the lyric light of the moon casting shadows on his face and jaemin thinks he has never witnessed such a beautiful scene —the night taking care of him, eyes impossibly dark, as the moonlight lands onto his face, mingling with the dim light of the night lamp.</p><p>a smile appears on jeno's face. "you’re staring,” he says, and then he’s moving to tickle him because somehow he knows that's one of jaemin’s weakness.</p><p>it surprises him how much he seems to know him, how deeply.</p><p>jaemin laughs loud, his voice resounding over the room, shooing away shadows and night demons. he wants him to stop, yet he lets him place his hands on his waist until he’s out of breath, a tear falling from the corner of his eye. he pushes a hand to jeno’s chest, begs him to stop, finally.</p><p>he realizes jeno's on top of him, and the scene seems so familiar it shakes his heart slightly, not enough yet, though.</p><p>the memory is still very vivid in his mind, he can almost feel the blade on his skin, the burning sensation after that, jeno’s face so close he could have kissed him, in another circumstance. just like now, because it's the same position, the same closeness but this time there’s no arrow, no rage, no burning sensation besides the blush on his cheeks that he’s glad jeno can’t perceive because his face its hidden by the shadow of jeno's.</p><p>now, he knows him, and he knows how the pitch of his voice sounds like when he’s mad, and when he’s sad, and how his laugh is squeaky and that it brims from his chest up to his shoulders until it reaches his face. he knows his face inch by inch, he has drawn it endless times, and he knows, for sure, how it looks under the blue light of the moon, that his eyes are always dark, pure dark, even when the sun is touching them because they’re made of cairngorm gemstones. jaemin knows how jeno stares at him, the way he stares at things, how he perceives the world so differently to the way jaemin has always seen it, because jeno sees life everywhere.</p><p>“are you still tipsy?”</p><p>jaemin wants to laugh, maybe this time it would come off as a full laugh and not half-heartedly. jeno plays with his hair as he listens, leaning his weight on his elbow beside jaemin’s face as he keeps talking.</p><p>“no, i just feel so exhausted from today,” jaemin sighs.</p><p>“’course you're, i've made you go almost to the end of the forest.”</p><p>"is there an end, though?"</p><p>"yes, i've seen it."</p><p>“you know everything, don’t you?”</p><p>“maybe i do.” there’s a pause in there, a pause no one dares to interrupt, a pause that becomes a long silence. then, a grin breaks through jeno’s lips. “i’ve never seen you like this before, you are so funny when you talk to your friends."</p><p>“funny?” jaemin sounds offended. “of course i am funny! it’s just that when i’m with donghyuck and mark i become funnier."</p><p>“you mean when you feel happy and at peace.”</p><p>“maybe, or maybe not. i’m still confused about feelings, i’m still waiting to explode or something like that. but when i think about that, suddenly i don’t want to.”</p><p>“why?</p><p>“maybe because it would be too much? and i think i won’t be able to handle it." jaemin tears his eyes away, lowering his voice. "i don’t really want to talk about it right now.”</p><p>he has noticed the mood has shifted, and he doesn't like it.</p><p>“hmmm,” jeno nods. he ponders over another topic, fingers still interlaced in jaemin's hair. “fine, can i ask you something? i know it would sound weird but... huh, jaemin, do you dream of the past?”</p><p>does he? he wants to say that he doesn't, but it would be a lie. he has been dreaming of the past for months. he still does, sometimes. however, the truth is that his dreams have started to change. now, he dreams of jeno every night since he met him in the woods and then he had whispered near his mouth that he will kill him and he hadn’t trembled at the thought. he'd like to tell him that he dreams of him and that later, when he wakes up, that familiar weight on his chest appears and wants to go back to sleep and dream about him for hours, days, years. that whenever jeno appears in his dreams, blurry hands cup his face and pull him close to kiss his mouth. he wants to tell him he’d like to taste his lips now and forever, and that he misses him every morning when he’s not there and that he doesn’t understand yet what is happening inside his heart but it’s certainly <em>something</em>. and that he won’t kiss him tonight, he won’t because he knows he won't feel what he has to feel when kissing him; but <em>damn</em>, he wishes he could do it —feel, kiss him, everything at the same time.</p><p>he doesn't have the courage to tell him all those things, though, so he just stares back at him, languid eyelids closing slightly, as jeno starts talking in that calm voice of his.</p><p>“i dream things, sometimes, and not always, or at least, i don’t remember them when i wake up. but somehow, even though it’s been years since i met you, i’ve been dreaming of you since you left. those are the dreams i remember the most, maybe because those are the only ones i care about.” he smiles to himself, probably feeling stupid by saying such things, but jaemin loves to listen to him. “i dreaded the thought of forgetting your face someday. i was afraid that the day i would stop dreaming about you would come, and your face would disappear from my memories.”</p><p>jeno’s eyes drop to jaemin’s lips and for a moment, he knows his heart wants to jump, but it doesn't happen, as always. and maybe at the beginning of the summer, that would have frustrated jaemin, that would have disappointed him. but now, that <em>almost</em> means that there’s something there about to explode someday, somehow. that jeno is pushing him over the edge, that he’s slowly unlocking the latches of his chest, that he’s going to free him.</p><p>and it’s as if jeno had read his thoughts because he leans down so close to his mouth their lips almost brush. and jaemin has forgotten about time and about that promise he has made to himself about holding himself until he gets his feelings back, because right now, he needs to press into his lips, just like in dreams, wishing to never awaken.</p><p>but unlike his dreams, the kiss never happens.</p><p>jeno’s lips linger on his cheek for a second, a long second that seems an eternity in which jaemin wonders if love is that —to crave someone so much you’re afraid to crumble under their touch.</p><p>then, he pulls away, slowly, and all that jaemin thinks is that he can still feel the sweet and warm shadow of jeno's lips attached to his skin.</p><p>“i won’t kiss you tonight,” jeno says, and jaemin can’t remember the last time he has held his breath for so long. he has never wanted someone so bad. “but you look so handsome like this, covered in silver.” and his smile, this time, says he’s only smiling for jaemin. “you’re always too beautiful to behold. it’s so hard to not kiss you when you look at me this way, just like this, it’s so hard.”</p><p>it’s hard for him too, knowing jeno wants him as much as he does. because there’s <em>want</em>, a force drawing them both to each other. and whenever that want appears, he feels his blood racing through his veins, his body craving jeno’s, and it takes everything in him not to pull him down to close the gap between them.</p><p>“let’s sleep.” jeno withdraws, and jaemin already misses his fingers brushing his hair. “tomorrow i gotta wake up early.”</p><p>a long sigh escapes from jaemin’s mouth filling up the silence of the room with his frustration.</p><p>in the morning, he watches him disappear through the door as quietly as a thought, and then he follows him to the kitchen to say goodbye. the early sun seeps through the mountains as a bluish hue begins to paint the sky. but today is not a normal morning, as neither was a normal night last night.</p><p>this morning, under the orange light, jeno decides it’s already time to show his self as who he is. the shadow of a deer projects on the ground as he shifts form, sharp and goldish antlers glimmer with the early light of the sun and cairngorm eyes look into jaemin's. jeno is that creature jaemin was always dreaming about since a kid, the deer he wanted to draw, that he imagined breaking through the brushwood. and today, that deer, <em>jeno</em>, seems almighty, almost resembling a god of the forest.</p><p>jaemin strokes his lap with tenderness as jeno closes his eyes and then, he observes him in agape while jeno disappears into the woods.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>they spend the evening just lazing around with only the company of each other. jeno reads a book he has stolen from one of the shelves in the living room, licks the tip of his middle finger before turning to the next page while jaemin sits at the desk he restored some weeks ago. now, it’s covered by a mess of papers, jaemin’s laptop and his tablet. jaemin is busy with the finishing touches of the project he has been working on these past few weeks. nina called him to monitor his work and before hanging up, she reminded him to start selecting his favorite works for the artbook, but he brushed it off, still unsure of what to do with that. currently, the only drawings he has are a collection of sketches and watercolors of jeno and a canvas he has bought on a whim, moved by the sudden inspiration.</p><p>(earlier that day, he had painted part of what he had in mind. when jeno came back from doing his duties in the forest, he made a surprised noise when he noticed the golden colors, the antlers, a deer standing in the middle of a forest. the drawing he had told jaemin he liked the most from his sketchbook was now turning into a real painting).</p><p>jaemin closes the laptop sighing so loud jeno notices it, eyes peering from behind the book.</p><p>“have you finished?”</p><p>“almost, but i still have time and i’m so tired of spending the whole day just sitting here.”</p><p>“wanna take a walk?”</p><p>jaemin spins his head, an ephemeral smile flourishing on his face.</p><p>“do you?”</p><p>“it seems like it is going to rain, but i don’t really care.”</p><p>“i’m in, then.”</p><p>so they go there, to that secret place in the middle of the forest. this time, no one hops into the water, they just rather lay on the ground, bodies surrounded by flowers. they have long conversations about things jaemin has never imagined sharing with anyone, nor even his best friends.</p><p>“the other night you asked me if i dreamt of the past,” he says, burying his hands on the grass, not really daring to look at jeno. “i do, all the time, even when i'm awake. and i think that’s what prevents me from healing, that i keep trying to come back to a time that has already passed. and i don’t know how to stop it. you talk about your past as if you’ve moved on already.”</p><p>“you mean i talk about people from my past as if—”</p><p>“not as if you’ve forgotten them,” jaemin rushes to clarify. “but as if you’ve already accepted that they will belong to the past forever.”</p><p>he doesn’t dare say their names, but he knows for sure, who they’re talking about.</p><p>“because they do, as much as it hurts, they do.”</p><p>silence takes all over the place. jaemin fidgets, hands playing with each other. </p><p>“i didn’t want to start this conversation, i’m sorry,” he apologizes, a hand climbing up to the back of jeno’s. “i just— i didn’t want to say anything like this the other day because it wasn’t the moment, but i think you wanted to know it. i do, i keep dreaming about the past all the damn time. even a past that i don’t remember.”</p><p>jeno clicks his tongue. “why do you keep torturing yourself with that?” his thumb rubs circles on jaemin’s hand this time, but jaemin tears his eyes away.</p><p>“because i see your face when you talk about it,” he confesses, and then, he takes his hand away. “and it saddens me that i, me, can be the reason why you become sad whenever you mention it.”</p><p>the air blows, tosses jaemin’s hair over his forehead as he hides his head into his knees. silence grows, becoming something unbearable for the two of them but they need to talk about it, they can’t keep avoiding it until the end of the summer.</p><p>“it just upsets me that you can’t remember it,” jeno admits, staring at his back. jaemin squeezes his legs close to his chest. “not because you don’t remember it, but because you have no memory from that time and i wish you could. it’s sad because it was the best summer of my life, and probably yours too, but you just don’t remember it. but it doesn't matter anymore, i prefer this summer over the rest.”</p><p>jaemin lifts his head and turns to find his eyes. “jen…”</p><p>but jeno shakes his head. “jaemin, you can come back to your memories when you need it, but you can’t live gripping desperately onto them because nothing stays forever. not even me. not even my mother. they leave, because life is a cycle, and there’s nothing we can do to escape our fate.”</p><p>“sometimes i think this is all my fault, that i’ve idealized my childhood too much and i keep wanting to come back there because i feel safe, because she’s there, too. but i can’t, i can't and that's what hurts me the most. it makes me feel so empty.”</p><p>“it’s not your fault, jaemin. i understand what you say because for me, it was the same for so many years, but then i realized i can’t keep on living in the past.”</p><p>and there it is, the sudden confession. it’s the first time jeno opens himself so much, the first time he lets jaemin see that his heart holds as much pain as jaemin did, for a while, before he switched off his emotions. and that he can live with it, but jaemin is so scared of pain he ran away from it. and now, he can't even come back.</p><p>“jeno, your mom, what happened to her?” the question rolls off his tongue with ease before he can even think about how to approach that matter, but it’s too late now. “sorry, i didn’t want to be intrusive—”</p><p>“you’re not,” jeno sighs. “i just... i don’t remember what happened to her.”</p><p>“what?”</p><p>“i don’t remember anything from that time. i know i was in so much pain because she was gone, because she <em>died</em>, but i’ve never known what actually happened to her. and i guess i’ll never know. it will remain as a mystery forever, i guess.”</p><p>“…but how?” jaemin narrows his eyes, confusion all over his face.</p><p>“you know.” jeno shrugs. “the forest has always taken care of me. it had to be something really traumatic because the forest had to erase my memories from that time to protect me.”</p><p>“erase your memories?” jaemin repeats, more confused, even. “how?”</p><p>“the forest can do many things, and it’s always looking after me. it always takes care of us.” he extends his arms, referring to the creatures which live in there too, that life they’re surrounded by that he always talks about.</p><p>but realization glints in jaemin’s eyes.</p><p>“jeno,” he stands up, unable to sit there any longer. “the last time we saw each other that summer was when you tried to do some dangerous magic to me because I insisted, right?”</p><p>“yeah, why…?”</p><p>“and then you almost died.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you are—”</p><p>“and then i forgot about you.” jeno frowns, grasping what jaemin’s trying to say. “but i do remember the moment i said goodbye to my grandma before leaving that summer, so how’s it possible that i don’t remember you? it’s always been a mystery to me, that i was unable to remember you when i had such vivid memories of those last days of that summer…” he mumbles, almost to himself. “don’t you see? am i crazy? am i the only one that thinks this…?” he closes his hands into fists, digging his nails in his palms. “t— that i never forgot you?”</p><p>jeno shakes his head, rises a hand to his forehead. “no, no, it’s impossible. it can't be.”</p><p>but it is, it has to, there’s no other explanation, right?</p><p>“fuck,” jaemin curses out loud, recoiling a little as he watches jeno standing up as well, confused eyes searching for his. “fuck this shit, i can’t believe this.”</p><p>“no, jaemin, you must be wrong… the forest would never do—”</p><p>how can he be so sure, though? is there a single reason to think otherwise?</p><p>“and why not, huh?” his voice comes off strangled, heart beating fast against his ribcage as his body tenses up. “give me just one reason, because it doesn’t make sense that i remember everything except the things related to you!”</p><p>“the forest knew how much you helped me that summer,” jeno explains, his bottom lip trembling slightly. “and knew how much you meant for me… it knew you weren't dangerous.”</p><p>jaemin freezes this time, not really sure if he has heard that well. “help you?”</p><p>jeno looks away, avoiding his confused eyes.</p><p>“because..." his voice grows smaller, and jaemin swears his heart is about to jump out of his mouth. jeno’s eyes skim his own hands as if trying to find the answer in there, or maybe, the courage to speak. "i used to have the same problem as you when i met you, because when my mother died, i started to see the shadows. they only appeared when i got extremely sad, just like you. but instead of not feeling anything, i had like… this weight in my chest, it was so heavy, i was sad all the time, all the damn time. and i felt so lonely.” </p><p>jaemin stands still, paralyzed hands and body from the sudden confession, lungs about to collapse. “i didn’t—”</p><p>this time, jeno’s eyes snap up to his, deep and dull eyes breaking through jaemin’s just like waves do into the shore. “that’s why when we first met i thought renjun could help you, as you did to me once. i never understood what you did to me that summer that got me so attached to you but the shadows stopped appearing because you were there, pushing me to do things, making me laugh, always so full of curiosity, always brimming with energy and so much life i kinda forgot about my sadness. i thought renjun could help you as well even though yours was a different case, but he had already studied mine, so i assumed he could. i wondered for days what had happened to you to turn your sadness into shadows till the point you had lost your ability to feel emotions.”</p><p>“i still don’t know either,” jaemin utters, voice in a faint trail. “i just wished i could stop feeling pain. and it worked, somehow.”</p><p>jeno blinks as he moves a hand towards jaemin and for the first time since they’ve started arguing, jaemin lets jeno touch his face.</p><p>“you’re crying,” he notices after a gasp leaves his throat. “jaemin, <em>you’re crying</em>.”</p><p>jaemin recoils, confused. <em>god</em>, he has never been so confused in his entire life. but there they are, burning tears streaming down his cheeks, his throat, meeting the curves of his collarbones. doe-eyes stare back at jeno who looks as surprised as him, parted lips, holding his breath.</p><p>
  <em>how?</em>
</p><p>for a moment, jaemin believes he has stopped breathing and air won’t come, but then, a burst of feelings takes place in his chest. the familiar weight that has always been there whenever a feeling wanted to rouse disappears, turns into something jaemin can actually place, chest raising up so hard he almost feels his lungs are going to collapse. it’s the first time in months that jaemin can name the feeling setting on his chest, he recognizes it because he used to be too familiar with it —rage, burning rage brimming from inside him, mingled with a sorrow so immense his body trembles.</p><p>little by little, more emotions start rousing as well, as if they’ve been buried for decades in a box under his ribcage. sorrow spreads through his body, warm and heavy and suffocating. jaemin can’t stop the tears, his hands keep trembling as jeno comes closer and holds him between his arms, embracing his body, as though he was trying to shield him from the rest of the world. at that, jaemin can only cry harder and harder until he hurts his throat, pain bubbling out from every inch of his body as if he was made of it. a catarsis of emotions breaking through his flesh and bones, healing his soul, his heart, him entirely. he can feel release, that a heavy weight has vanished forever.</p><p>he searches for jeno through the tears, concerned eyes meeting jaemin’s, as he slides up his hands to wipe jaemin’s tears with his thumbs so gently it makes jaemin’s heart actually shrink.</p><p><em>oh</em>, he loves him so much.</p><p>the world is blurry with eyes bathed in tears, but he can glimpse the sky behind jeno’s face, the sunbeams breaking through the stormy clouds as if reaching for him, and it reminds him of the first, <em>no</em>, <em>the second</em> time he met jeno in the forest at the beginning of the summer.</p><p>“it hurts so much,” jaemin sobs, his own hand gripping the fabric of his t-shirt near the spot where his heart lies. “feeling.”</p><p>“of course it does,” jeno says, fondly, tears looming from the corner of his eyes.</p><p>jaemin breaks into a wide smile, feeling the salt taste of tears he has missed so much. he closes his eyes, tears soaking jeno's clothes when he pulls jaemin into a warm embrace. </p><p>“but it’s good, it’s good," jaemin says, hiccuping. "feeling <em>feels</em> good.”</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>“feeling better?” jeno asks, voice buzzing on jaemin’s ears who has his head pressed against his chest. they’ve been laying here for the past hour in silence, jeno giving jaemin time to vent his sorrows, all the pain that his body used to turn into shadows. jaemin circles jeno’s body with one arm as the fresh breeze of evening tickles his nape. he hears jeno's hearbeat along the sound of the nearby birds and toads and some crickets hidden between the brushwood.</p><p>“feeling,” he replies, rubbing his face against his chest.</p><p>“that’s great.” jeno’s voice feels like a tender and sweet kiss to his ears</p><p>“it is.”</p><p>“what are you doing?” jaemin asks, after a long silence.</p><p>“i’m observing the sky,” jeno says, eyes trailing the early stars above in the sky. jaemin squeezes his eyes shut, letting the cicadas to sweep away the last remnants of anger and sorrow from his heart. “have you noticed? the moon is at one side of the sky and there’s a storm at the opposite side. and we are in between. don’t you think it’s like being in the middle of two worlds about to collapse?”</p><p>jaemin opens his eyes to look at what jeno’s pointing out. upon them, a moon peeks from behind the top of leafy trees. jaemin rises a hand, fits the early moon between his thumb and index as swallows fly across the golden sky along their echoing melodies. he closes one eye shut.</p><p>“but the storm has already passed away,” he says. “it’s actually going on the opposite direction.”</p><p>it hasn’t rained, even though a few hours ago he was completely sure the grey and plump clouds would tear apart at any moment. the storm has passed quietly, leaving behind just its traces, the golden filter that usually follows after, bathing the place with that yellow tone. a diaphanous rainbow appears at the corner of the sky, so dim he almost misses it.</p><p>jeno lifts his hand towards jaemin’s, fingers outstretched, and it occurs like a clash at first because jaemin wasn't expecting it. jeno’s fingertips search for jaemin’s until their palms meet each other closing the gap, hiding the moon behind. jaemin’s heart feels like an old clock trying to work again after years of nothing, shaking off the dust from its gears. he’s not used to that sensation yet, his heart racing fast as a warm wave seeps into his chest, the nervousness that comes before something exciting is about to happen. he watches their fingers intertwined, the sunkissed skin of jaemin in contrast with jeno’s which is made of colors that belong to winter, although he’s too far from being as cold as a wintery day. jeno’s always warm, too warm —his words, his voice, his hands, the way he squeezes his eyes when a smile blossoms.</p><p>“you know,” jeno starts. “i’ve been thinking about what we were talking about before… and i’ve come to the conclusion that the forest made you forget about me because it wanted to protect me from being hurt again. maybe it thought that by forgetting me, you would never hurt me again. but i think the forest was wrong, so wrong. i don’t need to be protected from you, that day we both agreed on trying that because i insisted on it, because i believed i could help you.”</p><p>“jeno, i don’t know if i will ever get back my memories or not, but i’m not letting you blame yourself for something i asked for just because i wanted to be like you. this happened because of me, everything happened because i wanted… i wanted to become a peony, what a folly thing to think, right?” he sighs.</p><p>jeno outstretches his fingers and jaemin follows the action, losing grip. he notices their hands are the same size, they stick each to other just like their bodies now as they lay. jaemin observes jeno’s silver rings, how prettily they circle around his thumb and middle finger.</p><p>“we were children,” jeno says. “and you were always so dreamy. but it doesn’t matter anymore.”</p><p>“i wish i could remember all those things, when you visualize them i can perceive in the way your eyes shine that it was a special summer.”</p><p>jeno shakes his head, propping himself with an elbow.</p><p>“we have already had this conversation, jaem. just like you idealized your childhood, i did the same with that summer. so you don’t—”</p><p>“i know, i know. just tell me how we met,” he asks, fond eyes tracing the lines of jeno’s smile.</p><p>“you were lost. you’d run away after having argued with your grandma for something i can’t remember, but it was a tantrum and it was noon and you couldn’t find your way back.” jeno stares as him, deep and tender eyes hovering jaemin’s face. “you were crying and asking for your mom and i remember that the wind carried your voice to my ears. then, i just went there and you had injured your elbow. i didn’t show you i was a fawn until days later, when i started to trust you. and you were so excited and always asked me all kinds of things about my world, just like you do now. you haven’t changed that much.”</p><p>“well, my hair is pink,” jaemin deadpans, searching for jeno’s hand again. “and we have grown up a lot. and i’m more handsome, i think.”</p><p>“you are,” jeno rushes to say, and then a pause. flush climbs to jaemin's cheeks. “jaemin, i think nothing could prevent me from meeting you that day, or the day we met this summer, and there’s nothing i have to be protected from. and the forest will agree with me someday, i’m sure, because it will understand that with you, jaemin, with you— i feel <em>good</em>. and i know that that word could never imply what i’m trying to tell you, but i just feel too much around you… i feel overjoyed, blissful. i feel that i could be around you forever and never get tired of seeing you be, seeing you breathe and laugh and stare at me like that…” he lets go of jaemin’s hand to place his fingers under jaemin’s chain instead and jaemin’s breath gets caught in a soft gasp. “can i kiss you?”</p><p><em>oh</em>, so this is how it happens.</p><p>jaemin’s downturns his eyelashes to look at jeno’s mouth as the boy licks his bottom lip and his chest rises up before he parts his lips.</p><p>“yes, please,” he whispers.</p><p>and it’s as easy as that.</p><p>jeno leans in, and before closing his eyes as their noses nuzzle, jaemin realizes the sky today is as goldish as his hair and eyelids. jeno looks just like a treasure, hazy light rims the edges of his face, the curve of his nose, meeting his lips before disappearing under the shadows when jeno closes the gap between their faces. a fresh breeze of summer enters jaemin’s lungs, filling his chest, when their mouths meet. jeno hesitates after the first touch of lips, hand still holding jaemin’s chin between his fingers as a pleased smile unravels on jaemin’s face.</p><p>“i’ve never—” jeno withdraws, teetering, but jaemin shushes him, a hand coming to his cheek to pull him close again.</p><p>soft, warm lips bump onto each other for the second time, and jaemin opens his mouth, kisses him mildly, honey-like. jeno sighs, follows jaemin’s smooth pace as a wave floods every corner of jaemin’s soul, stretching out time as if the kiss, the moment, could last an eternity, taking their time to explore each other, the sloppy sound of their lips echoing around the place. they search for each other’s body, hands gliding up and down, fingers burying in gold, jaemin shoving jeno’s hair as he deepens the kiss.</p><p>but then, summer breeze turns into a burning want. jaemin’s heart is pounding so fast he can hear it over the sound of their kisses, or is it jeno’s heart?</p><p>the boy disconnects their lips, stares at him, mouths barely touching as jaemin’s lungs get flooded with jeno’s air before he leans in again, proceeds to kiss him deeper and deeper, open mouthed kisses that take jaemin’s breath away. jeno’s lips are soft but it overwhelms jaemin that he kisses him with so much force, passion, and somehow he doesn’t want him to ever pull away. he feels jeno’s smile on his, and it’s sweet and genuine and so intimate, jaemin just wants him closer and closer to make him feel his love bubbling out his heart, chest, body, every corner of his soul.</p><p>before he realizes, jeno’s on top of him, making jaemin go crazy after placing another kiss on the corner of his mouth before sliding down. a trail of kisses meets his jawline, finding jaemin’s neck, somewhat. a gasp climbs up jaemin’s throat and then jeno giggles near his ear, and jaemin feels as if made of glass. he presses his lips on the smooth skin under his earlobe and jaemin explodes.</p><p>and now, all jaemin can ever think of is that he <em>needs</em> jeno's mouth all over his body. he doesn’t even know if he can stop him now that he has started, if he would have the will to do such a thing. he can’t help but moan, hands gripping tightly on the fabric of jeno’s oversized shirt. and it seems like the he doesn’t want to stop, neither, because he continues kissing him as if he was as desperate to taste his skin as him.</p><p>“jeno," he whisper-screams, hands cupping the boy’s face. "stop."</p><p>jeno pushes away in a sudden, concerned, “did i hurt you?”</p><p>“no, no. oh, god, you could never hurt me." and jaemin decides to ignore the fact that there’s one way, a way that involves his heart, that involves the possibility of jeno getting tired of him someday, but he never dares to admit it aloud. "but i need you to stop because... i feel too much i don’t know how to handle it, honestly.”</p><p>"i don’t, either," jeno confesses, nervous laugh coming after that.</p><p>jaemin’s heart aches with the amount of love he has for him. he traces the soft curve of his lips with a thumb and jeno kisses it delicately the same way the morning welcomes the earth with delicate kisses of dew. it reminds him of that day in the lake when jeno had licked the drop of jaemin’s eyelashes and he had wished to become water, for a second.</p><p>“you are so lovely.” the words leave his mouth without him noticing until he sees jeno’s reaction, the way his cheeks bloom in red colors. he wants to kiss him again, but he doesn’t know what could happen next, and they are in the middle of a fucking forest, the sun already setting beyond the horizon.</p><p>“we should go home.”</p><p>it’s the first time jaemin refers to the house as a home, a home which includes jeno’s presence in each corner of the place.</p><p>“yeah.”</p><p>so that's what they do.</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>at night, jeno stays, of course he does. and while they talk under the dim light of the kitchen, jaemin believes jeno's something out of this world.</p><p>he doesn't know how to put it into words, but jeno takes his face between his hands like jaemin's made of water, touches him desperately yet so delicately with cotton fingertips, afraid of losing him between the gaps of his fingers, making jaemin believe he's jeno's treasure. and then, he does that, leans in and meets his lips, a soft touch which produces the sweetest of the melodies out there, and jaemin’s last memory of pain leaves his soul, his heart, to never come back. he realizes, then, that for the very first time in his entire life, he's able to breathe love, to drink it, swallow each drop, see it floating around them, feel it against his mouth.</p><p>and he understands there’s nothing wrong with feeling happy after being so empty for a long time, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to bloom again, get rid of painful memories and select only the ones that make your heart flutter. that there's nothing, <em>nothing</em> wrong with stopping feeling incredibly sad when remembering the old days, just nostalgia, because it means he’s overcoming that pain, finally. and perhaps all of this happens because he has been able to grasp that life evolves, that nothing stays the same forever and he can’t prevent it from changing. that new days come, creating new memories as well, and he will live them with different people, and maybe someday, in the future, those people will also belong to his past, only to his past. and it's okay, it's okay. someone will always come after that, creating new memories.</p><p>and still, all he sees when he swims in the ocean of jeno's eyes, is that there’re some exceptions, he sees that jeno won't ever belong to his past, only his present, and there's nothing wrong with loving someone with so much force that you want them to be by your side till the end of times.</p><p>when jeno finally sits on the edge of the bed after coming from the bathroom, jaemin is already laying in bed, lights off, the moonlight illuminating the silhouette of jeno’s body. jaemin watches him taking off his necklace and all his rings, placing them all neatly on the nightstand, one by one.</p><p>he sighs, his chest feels so heavy right now. he would like to tell him now, face hidden under the shadows of the night, that jeno carries beauty in every gesture, in every blink of eyes. that he resembles a living statue, that he exists and he isn't aware of what that does to him. and it’s unfair because the moonlight is in love with him, the sunbeams are obsessed with him, the summer is made of him and the river, the forest, the late flowers of spring cherish his existence, worship him as much as jaemin does and he's jealous of them because they are allowed to touch him all the time, with no excuses. and jaemin wants to do the same.</p><p>maybe he makes the next move because he feels overwhelmed by these thoughts he has never had before about anyone else, maybe it happens because he already misses his mouth against his, maybe it’s a combination of both.</p><p>when jeno finally lays beside him, jaemin rubs the back of his hand against jeno’s cheek as the boy closes his eyes.</p><p>“are you already asleep?”</p><p>jeno flutters his eyes open. “why? you don’t want me to go to sleep yet?”</p><p><em>ah</em>, he’s a tease sometimes.</p><p>a laugh climbs up jaemin’s throat, and then, he’s pulling jeno’s face close to his. he crashes their mouths and jeno opens his eyes wide by the sudden proximity before brushing jaemin's eyelashes with his to close them and following him blindly to wherever he wants.</p><p>they kiss again like that evening, slowly, pressing their mouths together, parting their lips as if searching for air, following the same pace, exploring the secrets they’ve been hiding from each other for the past months. he feels the smooth skin of jeno’s lips, the warmth they carry, the sound they produce. a hand comes at jaemin’s nape to pull him even closer, if possible, as jaemin opens his mouth wider, rolling over the bed to sit on top of him. between kisses, he leaves a kiss on jeno’s open mouth, then another on his cheek, and decides to take his time to stare at him, at least for a few seconds, heart blooming. his lips are flushed and swollen by the abuse and he’s not even tired of kissing him, he realizes. instead, jaemin only feels an urge to do it again, tempted by the way they shine, wet and delicate as eyes about to break in tears.</p><p>jeno lowers his gaze to jaemin’s mouth, too, and in all likelihood, he’s having the same thoughts as him. he likes the idea of jeno thinking about him, getting overwhelmed by his presence, the same it happens to him, feeling that urge of kissing him. because that’s what happens, in a blink of an eye, there he is again, opening his mouth, closing the gap between their faces with the help of that lost hand in the back of jaemin’s head, fingers tangled with pink strings of hair, and it’s almost like there’s only one silhouette in that room, because they’re so close, so close, <em>so close</em>.</p><p>“jaemin,” jeno mumbles close to his face. “this evening, i didn’t want to stop. i actually wanted more—”</p><p>"fuck," jaemin sighs. "i didn’t want you to stop, neither," he confesses and he feels a bit embarrassed by his words because of what they imply, or maybe, because they sound too desperate.</p><p>outside, there’s a full moon ready to never let jaemin miss the curve that pulls at jeno’s lips, and he’d loved to taste it.</p><p>he crashes their mouths again in a sloppy kiss, tastes the last trace of the mint toothpaste, the taste of his tongue, his mouth, warm, mingling with jaemin’s. he bites down on jeno’s bottom lip, wet and swollen, and jeno’s taken by surprise, opens his eyes widely, gasping loudly. jaemin arches his eyebrows to mischievously smile afterwards.</p><p>“you’re a tease,” jeno murmurs before he does the next movement.</p><p>and maybe it was a bad idea to tempt him, because for some reason, jeno loves doing things slowly, he takes his time to tease him and taste him, to explore the nook of his neck. his lips brush over the skin under his ear, making jaemin’s breath hitch and then, he takes his earlobe between his teeth and jaemin's fingers press harder onto his skin, a moan escaping his throat unexpectedly. <em>fuck</em>, he feels kind of embarrassed because no one has ever had that impact on him and it's so overwhelming. jeno knows that’s jaemin’s weak spot, maybe because hours ago he had perceived the way his body had reacted to his lips near there, or perhaps it is just intuition. whatever it is, jaemin has noticed jeno is a quick learner, so much it kind of scares him because now he doesn’t know what to expect from him.</p><p>he feels as if dying between jeno’s arms, almost resembling a greek sculpture, desperately wanting more and more of him. jeno slides his mouth down his throat to his collarbones, makes a path of open mouthed kisses, and jaemin is like a fresh canvas, wet lips pressing against the expanse of his chest. he comes to think he only exists under the touch of his fingers, or mouth, and that if jeno ever pulls away, jaemin will dissolve between his arms, break, die. he will disappear.</p><p>he doesn't want to disappear.</p><p>"jen," he starts, but shuts his mouth immediately after jeno makes their eyes meet, a thumb caressing his cheekbones.</p><p>they stare at each other, the only noise is their labored breath, and he takes a moment to recoil, gaping at the sight of jeno buried between the sheets, he looks like a deity —unreachable, breathtaking.</p><p><em>but he’s not</em>.</p><p>jeno comes from the large roots of ancient trees, from the warm heart of a wise mother. jeno is light breaking through the leaves of the trees in a forest, he’s crystal clear water that invites him to drink it. he’s not above him, he doesn’t belong to heaven, he’s far away from clouds and stars even though he seems to be made of them. jeno is the earth flourishing each spring, he’s summer breeze and candid eyes, he's the golden hue of sunset brushing the cold hands of someone who has missed its touch during an endless winter.</p><p>tonight, the moonlight casts shadows on half of jeno’s face, covering the other side with shadows. the pale light breaks through the diaphanous flower curtains, plump lips shining under the touch of the blue light. when jeno shifts and leans his back against the headboard, jaemin moves a hand towards jeno’s forehead, tracing his features, a thumb tugging down his bottom lip before he leans in to press their foreheads together. he wants to kiss him again.</p><p>again, again, <em>again</em>.</p><p>jaemin shifts on his lap, grinding down, as he connects their mouths together, pushing jeno close with a hand on his nape, as though he couldn’t get enough of him. he notices the pressure inside his briefs, his dick hardening at the friction, and it’s not only his but jeno’s as well. he gasps out loud against his mouth when he notices jeno follows the motion, hips meeting experimentally, and he wants to see his body, even though he has already seen him naked before with the sun making it sparkle in the forest.</p><p>it seems like has the same idea because hands roam over his back, meeting his waist, instinctively pulling jaemin’s t-shirt up. this time, though, there’s no trace of that slow manner of his, that calm has faded out and it’s been replaced by frantic hands that undress him. jaemin takes jeno’s clothes off with his help, bodies crying for air. their hands step clumsily over each other to pull it up, desperate movements of two desperate souls impatient to meet. he watches how his ribcage made of marble gets exposed, clothes disheveling jeno’s hair along the way. he trails his fingers through expanse of his toned chest, then his abs.</p><p>“are you sure?” jaemin hesitates.</p><p>jeno has never done this before, he knows, and he doesn’t want to make him do something he would regret later. nonetheless, jeno rises a hand towards jaemin’s face to draw him down to kiss him, just lips on lips, and then, he presses his mouth on his cheek.</p><p>“yes,” jeno whispers against his skin. “go on.”</p><p>“fuck,” jaemin curses, blood boiling through his veins.</p><p>jeno’s hands slide down his back, trailing his spine almost as delicately as a pianist pressing the keys. smooth fingertips carve jaemin’s silhouette with the help of the shadows, and maybe jeno isn’t able to perform magic the same way wizards do, but he transforms jaemin into a mess of embarrassing sounds coming off his mouth. he believes jeno truly is something else, he truly is.</p><p>jaemin moves his hips down to meet jeno there, lowering his head to connect their mouths again because he has missed it and jeno’s breath gets caught when jaemin breaks through his lips with his tongue, a moan following after that. jaemin feels him hardening against his thigh and he wants to scream because he believes he has never felt so aroused by someone’s touch before. or at least, not to this level. he just wants to be close to him, feel him all over his body.</p><p>jeno whimpers near his ear when jaemin slides a hand down to palm jeno through his briefs, slipping his hand inside. jeno instinctively catches his wrist, presses his fingers down his veins and both of them stare at each other.</p><p>“i— i’ve never,” he babbles, but jaemin smiles, fondly, chest warming.</p><p>“don’t worry, i’ll help, okay?”</p><p>jeno nods, timidly, and he has never seen him this way, looking so small and vulnerable, unsure of what to do next. usually, it’s jaemin the one who has to wait for jeno to guide him through the forest, it’s jeno who has to sit beside him and explain him that magic can’t perform everything.</p><p>jaemin pulls down his briefs, jeno’s hand never letting go of the grip on his wrist.  jeno’s cock springs free, and jaemin can’t fight back the impulse of licking his own bottom lip. jeno’s eyes silently follow jaemin’s movements, circling his hand around his length as a loud moan slips out of his tongue, hot ragged breath tickling jaemin’s ear, sending waves through his body straight to his crotch. jeno’s fingers are deep buried in jaemin’s skin when he runs a thumb through the slit of his cock, smears the precum over the head and loves the way jeno’s body reacts to his touch, trembling slightly under his grip. he curls his fingers around the base, the same way jeno has his around his wrist, and starts pumping up and down, first at slow pace, leaving him breathless, just the same way jeno does things. then, he increases the pace until jeno’s mouth is deeply buried on the nook of his neck, panting.</p><p>“i— i’m going to come,” he mumbles. “i should last a bit—”</p><p>jaemin shakes his head.</p><p>“we have all night, jeno,” he promises him after placing a kiss on the exposed skin of his shoulder all soaked in sweat.</p><p>jeno’s hand squeezes his wrist, nails digging painfully into his skin, as jeno’s lower stomach tenses up. he knows he’s about to explode and damn, he wants him to stop rejecting his orgasm just because he thinks he will disappoint jaemin for not lasting that much. he could never disappoint him.</p><p>jaemin decides to part his lips, leaning in until they brush over the curve where his shoulder meets his neck.</p><p>“just let me see you,” he whispers, and then, he bites down on his skin, hard enough to push him over the edge because he also knows jeno’s weak spots, at least this one.</p><p>he hears the way jeno’s breath hitches and the next second, he’s coming hot spurs into their stomachs, collapsing against his shoulder, exhausted from holding back.</p><p>a hand comes to stroke jeno’s back, looping him in an embrace, and jaemin watches the way jeno’s shoulder blades thinly move when the boy reciprocates the hug. he feels his chest raising up and down against his and can’t believe he can love this boy more, but he does. each second, the feeling grows inside of him, it makes his heart actually cry.</p><p>“that was embarra—” jeno begins while jaemin pulls his briefs up, kissing his shoulder.</p><p>“hot. that was hot.”</p><p>jeno withdraws, frowning. “shut up, you know it wasn’t,” he complains, embarrassed. “you’ve been with other guys, they last more than—”</p><p>“jeno, listen to me,” jaemin curls a hand around his forearm to make him look at him. “i don’t fucking care about that, i don’t care about any other guy. i only care about <em>you</em>, i want to make <em>you</em> feel good. i don’t even care if you don’t touch me tonight, for me seeing you like this is enough. i’m happy making you happy. and we have time, we have all the time in the world. i will teach you and you will teach me as well, because that’s what this is about. i will learn your weaknesses the same way you do and i—”</p><p>“do i?” jeno asks, surprised.</p><p>“yes, you do,” jaemin sighs. <em>this boy doesn't have a clue</em>. “you know every weak spot of my body and you don’t even realize it. listen, jeno, being with someone is not about lasting more or being an expert in these things, it’s learning about the other person, learning what they like, learning how to touch them to make them feel good and see the stars. each person is unique and has their own tastes, each person is a whole world and you’re— you’re too much.” jaemin lowers his head, kisses his cheek. “damn, jeno, you aren’t even aware of the things you do to me, of how much you make me feel.”</p><p>“i love you.”</p><p>the words slip out of his mouth, easily, genuine, words travelling between them. it feels like a melody hitting his chest, tinting his heart with colors. jaemin withdraws, surprised by the sudden confession, doe-eyes staring at jeno.</p><p>“i love you,” he repeats, voice honey-like, warming his chest. “i want to be with you, i love you, jaemin.”</p><p>
  <em>oh, god.</em>
</p><p>“jen—”</p><p>jeno interlaces their fingers together as he speaks, “i’ve been in love with you since… well, i think you already know since when. but i feel like i have to tell you because the feeling is so overwhelming that only thinking about it isn’t enough. i love you, and it doesn’t matter if someday you wanna leave again, doesn’t matter if you forget me.” he places a kiss on the back of his hand tenderly melting him to the point a sob is about to escape jaemin’s mouth because he feels so loved, so so full of love he might die. “i will love you even then.”</p><p>“jeno.” he wants to cry hard, a lump in his throat threatens him to release whatever it’s been hiding in his chest for so long and it’s not sadness, it’s something quite different that he can’t place. it’s a new feeling, something he hasn't experienced in a long, long time. “i could never forget you, never. and i do want to stay here, i’ve already mentioned this to mark and donghyuck, even nina. i still need to talk to my parents, though, but— look, this is my home, <em>our home</em>, if you want it too. and i don’t want to leave you ever again.” jaemin kisses his flushed lips, kisses them a thousand times before he hugs him again. he would die between those arms. “i’ve never told this to anyone before, but i love you, too. and i could never forget you, i could never, i could never…”</p><p> </p><p>∽</p><p> </p><p>later that night, jaemin takes his time to prepare jeno, tender kisses along his torso, meeting his inner tights, then up to his mouth again. jaemin’s name has never sounded sweeter than tonight when coming off jeno’s tongue. it mingles with the indistinct noises he makes when jaemin fills him up, cautiously, pushing his length deep through his rim, waiting for him to adjust to this new sensation, until fully topping him. he stays like that for a long minute, feeling aroused by how tight jeno feels around him.</p><p>“move,” jeno says.</p><p>he rubs jeno’s hips with a thumb in circles. “are you su—?”</p><p>jeno nods, “just move.”</p><p>jaemin starts moving experimentally, asks him how he feels to be sure he's being gentle enough because he doesn’t want to hurt him. after a few more experimental thrusts, he starts to pick up his pace, moving smoothly, watching himself disappear inside of him. the sight makes him tremble a little and he slides back, pushes down hard until something clicks inside jeno because he lets out a loud gasp and urges jaemin to keep going. jaemin feels a prickle of sweat down his back as he keeps aiming his hips to hit that spot. the image becomes blurry as he moves faster, leans in to kiss jeno’s open mouth, muffling the sounds escaping his throat.</p><p>jaemin places a hand on his leg and with each thrust jeno begs him to go deeper, to be rougher. jaemin pleases him, connects their foreheads dripping sweat, breathes the air that comes off his lungs. he focuses on the way jeno feels around him, on the way he stares at him intently while jaemin makes love to him and he whispers beautiful things into his ear, asks him what does he like, and how. he slides his hands through the expanse of his chest, reaching his cheeks to cup them. he tells him how good he looks, how great he is at this, how much love he's feeling right now just because he exists and he's there with him and it seems jeno loves that, he loves to be praised, and his moans get louder.</p><p>jaemin notices that the scent of the forest and jeno's skin are invading the empty spaces of the room. everything smells like him, <em>him</em> and no one else —there are no traces of a painful past, that sad aroma of dead flowers and old tales no one talks about anymore, there are no shadows, not a single remnant of the dust that had first welcomed him when he came back to an abandoned house where love could never have place again. they're together making that place theirs, a home to share with each other, to build a life in, filling it with flowers, with love, with genuine, pure feelings.</p><p>jeno interrupts his thoughts when he circles his legs around jaemin’s waist prompting him to increase the pace more and more until they are completely out of breath. jaemin watches the way jeno's biceps tighten, veins emerging out of his soft skin when he gives his ass a squeeze. jaemin leans back to have a better access and finds jeno’s cock dripping precum, desperate for any kind of friction as jaemin pounds his hips deeper into him until jeno becomes a mess of gasping noises and moans. jeno thrusts back this time, desperately meeting jaemin’s hips half-away, filling the room with the only sound of skin on skin, stolen kisses and jaemin's name being praised again and again and again, almost like a melody, a love song to his ears.</p><p>jaemin feels his orgasm building up and eyes jeno's deprived cock desperately craving his touch bouncing along jaemin’s thrusts, but he knows the moment he touches it, it would be the end so he decides to wait a bit more, just a bit. he takes jeno's hands between his, intertwines their fingers and presses them up against the pillow at each side of jeno’s head. he locks their eyes as well, sees the way jeno’s cheeks are covered in rosy patches as he thrusts deeper and deeper, his brows twisting when he hits the spot again and his lips fall open along with incoherent sounds escaping from his mouth. his movements become erratic and he feels this familiar burning in his abdomen, almost as if he was about to explode.</p><p>“i’m close,” jaemin groans, and hurries to move a hand towards the base of jeno's hard cock, making him gasp, parting his glossy lips, and<em> damn</em>, he'd like to kiss him right now, but he doesn’t have time for that because he strokes once, twice, and then, jeno’s back arches violently, ribs trying to tear the skin apart, coming all over his hand and chest with glooming eyes reflecting the night sky.</p><p>jaemin hurries to place his hands on both sides of his hips, pressing his thumbs tight onto his skin, and slumps his hips one, two, three times more and then, he’s coming so hard he sees white behind his eyelids. he collapses on top of him, still riding his orgasm, murmuring love words. he swallows back the tears about to burst. he’s so overwhelmed by the amount of things he's feeling right now, he doesn’t know how to fight them back.</p><p>“fuck,” he mumbles, face hidden in the crook of his neck, as he tries to catch his breath. he feels all sticky and sweaty, muscles starting to relax.</p><p>once he starts moving away, he notices jeno’s arm curling around his waist, long bonny fingers caressing his back so mildly he doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to keep the tears back because jeno touches him as if he was the only person in the whole world —with tender strokes, gentle motions, drawing on his back, a canvas.</p><p>“don’t move, not yet,” jeno begs, and jaemin can’t say no, not to him.</p><p>he decides to ignore how sticky they are, sweat bathing their bodies, because he just wants to stay, stay, stay, feeling jeno’s heart against his chest as if listening to that sound was the only thing that mattered for now, tomorrow or in a thousand years. he can’t stop thinking about how full his chest is feeling tonight, full of <em>him</em>. he doesn’t even know how to explain with words this new sensation, maybe because he has never experienced these kind of emotions before. he feels too much, <em>too much</em> for him that a tear rolls down his face, but jeno never notices it because jaemin is faster than him, and wipes it.</p><p>they stay like that for a few minutes more before they go shower together, take their time to wash each other’s hair, kiss a bit more because there are no reasons not to do it. then, when they're lying naked in bed with only the sound of toads and crickets hidden somewhere in the woods, jaemin observes the gooseflesh on jeno’s arms as the late night breeze enters through the open window. jaemin extends a hand to trail with his index the marks that his bonny hips have left on jeno’s skin, the gentle brushes of ghostly thumbs here and there, almost resembling a painting.</p><p>he's exhausted, his body hurts like hell, jeno's thighs probably burn and all he wants to do right now is embrace his sculpted torso and cuddle until they doze off along the shallow sound of jeno’s breath, but his fingertip encounters a new mole in the expanse of jeno’s stomach he didn't know it existed, and he decides to kiss them all, one by one. he starts with the one upon his navel, the other one near his nipple, the small one which sleeps on the tip of his nose, a hidden dot on his neck that he has already kissed many, many times to count, the cute eye mole and a last one on one side of his face. he feels jeno’s smile blooming.</p><p>afterwards, he traces each vein of his forearms up to his shoulders and tickles him to prevent jeno from falling asleep already, making him burst with laughter, eyes closed, nose scrunching just the way jaemin loves, with those wrinkles upon his cheekbones.</p><p>jaemin feels mirthful laying there with him, naked, caressing the muscles of his abdomen, counting the bones of his ribcage, tickling him there as well until jeno gets tired of being teased. he takes his revenge because he knows, of course he does, each weak spot of jaemin’s body and the places where his laugh hides. under the touch of fingertips, they find each other and jaemin swears he has never felt so close to someone before. he knows he will never be closer to anyone, ever.</p><p>"i love you so much," he repeats this time.</p><p>maybe he sounds too cheesy, but the words are unstoppable. it's so easy to love a person like him, someone so kind-hearted, caring, patient. he feels like he’s about to die of happiness, as if he could draw a thousand artbooks inspired by him and how much he makes him feel, and he will in a near future, he has already promised nina.</p><p>perhaps jaemin doesn't remember that summer, perhaps he will never recall how he felt when he first saw him after being lost in the forest for hours. but it doesn’t matter anymore because he can, he <em>will</em> remember this night, how their hearts were so close he cried tears that didn't taste salty but sweet. he promises himself he will never forget that during this summer, sadness became a distant ghost of his past, a weight that slowly started to disappear the day he followed a majestic deer into the woods and sunlight showed him jeno’s face instead.</p><p>jeno hums, embracing jaemin’s body and squeezing his waist, “you know,” he says in a drowsy voice, as if he was already falling asleep. “i’ve seen your heart tonight.”</p><p>jaemin gasps, surprised. “how?”</p><p>“it wasn’t my intention, though, but you've showed me, somehow. and i was so shocked. you were always so obsessed, and still are, with peonies. i thought it would be pink, once you healed.”</p><p>jaemin's hands interlace with jeno's, feeling his breathe against his nape. “and it wasn’t pink?”</p><p>“no.” jeno shakes his head, eyes already closed. “actually, it is yellow.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and... the end! ♡ phew, it's been a whole journey!<br/>if you're curious about the title of this fic, it comes from <a href="https://avolitorial.tumblr.com/post/161632953642/from-translation-by-anne-carson-expansions-on">this sappho's fragment</a><br/>i'm planning on writing more things this summer (not related to this fic, though) so if you've liked this story you can leave comments and kuddos so i can know you've read/enjoyed my story and i'll be super greatful because you'll motivate me to keep on writing ♡ thank you so much for taking your time to read it (ꈍᴗꈍ)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>